HANI's Honey

Friday, February 14, 2003

12:56 a.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Something I don't blog about

I learnt from that incident and the reactions of my friends, that arguments between a couple are best remaining between the couple. Long after a couple have ripped each other's hearts and forgiven each other for it, the fight lingers in the minds of the friends involved. Good friends will remain loyal to his/her friends, and sometimes, be unable to forgive the significant other for the harm caused to their friend. Never mind that the couple have forgiven each other.

When you love someone, it's difficult to forgive someone else hurting him/her, never mind if your loved one has long forgiven the injurer him/her self. Sigh. Sometimes, I find it difficult to forgive myself when I hurt my loved ones. How much easier to be unforgiving when it's someone else who did the injury?

So it was with great reluctance that I told Mary and JQ the tale. I probably didn't do the tale much justice, but the topic had been unfortunately referred to, and it doesn't seem fair that all my other friends know about it while they remain in ignorance simply because they had been away while the fight had been happening.

I hope there's no one else that I have to explain that tale of near disaster to. Tariq and I have moved on to a closer, stronger, and more stable relationship, and the disaster that happened has long been laid to rest between us. I pray that no one else is tending its nasty growth.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030214

Wednesday, February 12, 2003

10:28 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Running from Family

They were watching Grease. I can't stand Grease anymore. I watched it so many times as a little girl, fascinated by Rizzo's facial expressions as she sang There are Worst Things. Her subtle expressions, ranging from happy to sad, to sneering to thoughtful, just fascinated me as a little girl. It was probably Stockard Channing in that scene that got me interested in acting in the first place, realizing how much emotion could show on a face.

Rather ironic, I think, that as a child, I didn't understand what the song was talking about, but today, that song could very well be a song that comes from me. I feel so apart from my family, sometimes. My interests are so different. I don't like karaoke or watching TV. I don't like cooking or discussing the myriad members of our extended family. I should make better effort to spend time with my family. They deserve to get to know me better.

I'm just slightly afraid that if they get to know me better, they might get to know me too well. I'm incapable of keeping my mouth shut, after all....

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030212

Tuesday, February 11, 2003

11:36 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

To Blog or Not to Blog?

Ironically, the purpose of this blog happened by accident. I wrote the first one as a test entry. Before writing it, I had no intention for anyone other than my boyfriend to read it. A funny thing happened. It made me realize that before I wrote the entry, I hadn't realized how I felt, and I was more self-aware after writing it. Then, my boyfriend made the comment that it was an excellent entry.

While designing the previous version, I already knew I didn't want to write blog entries about my day. For one thing, a chronical event of my day was getting boring for me to write, which made me sure it was getting boring for my family and friends to read, and for another, I kept getting gaps in time that I didn't want to mention, that I had to make excuses for. (Yes, there are actually things I don't mention on this blog.)

So I decided to pour my heart out to the internet and its surfers, and let the consequences fall wherever they do. My only fear is that other people could fall with me (like Tariq, for example, whom my parents would murder).

My parents have yet to find the blog. Yet, others have, and sometimes, I feel like someone who has let a bunch of rabble rousers into her house, and doesn't quite know how to get them to leave. It's near midnight, and the poor hostess wants to sleep, but the rabble rousers stay on.

Yet, I enjoy rabble rousers. I enjoy parties and loads of people making loads of noise. Sometimes, I just watch, and sometimes I'm in the middle. I also enjoy the clarity I find in blogging to the web. I enjoy the feedback I receive, and the various opinions and viewpoints I would never have thought of myself. I enjoy the challenge of staying open and welcoming, no matter how rude and hurtful the rabble rousers get.

I enjoying knowing that there are people out there who love me, or at least accept me, despite knowing all the nasty things about me. You will always know that this was what I did, and this is what I am. Right on the surface. You don't like it, at least you know, for sure, this is what you don't like. I am not someone else, pretending something else. You will never have to look at me, and wonder if you knew me better, would you like me or not? Because what you know of me, is what I am. The only things I hide, involve other people's secrets.

This is why, no matter how difficult blogging honestly gets, no matter that I live daily, afraid my parents will find this blog, I will keep blogging. To do otherwise, would mean I would have to hide me. I've learnt that I like being right out in the open. Even if that means people have a clear aim to target me.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030211b

Tuesday, February 11, 2003

10:44 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Be aware of your wishes

After coming back from Kelantan, I was disappointed by how slow the hits were to go back up to its normal heights. In fact, after the first day of my return, the hits were getting lower. 73, 60, 66, 56, and finally 48 on Sunday! I was so disappointed by how less and less people were visiting my blog.

I wished that more people would visit my blog. My wish came true! Yesterday, I exceeded my previous record of 86 hits, by 2 hits! Today, as of 9:52 p.m., 92 people have visited my blog. I'm very, very delighted by the amount of people visiting my blog.

The reason people are visiting like mad, is because someone linked to the Bored of Sex entry. Obviously an influential blogger among his community, a lot of people have been visiting the aforementioned entry through his blog. It's been so popular, another blog put up the same link. Sadly, the more vocal of those visitors from those links have mostly been very deragotory in their opinion of me.

So, on one hand, I'm glad so many people are visiting my blog. On the other, I'm disturbed by how vehemently negative their opinions are. They're not even productive about it. No explanation nor elaboration to their opinion. If they were to submit their comments to a philosophy teacher, he'd fail their paper.

I seek self-awareness on this blog. I wish people would explain their opinions of me to me. At least, then I would understand exactly what makes me stupid and slutty in their eyes.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030211a

Tuesday, February 11, 2003

01:48 a.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Prioritizing Moral Principles

What's so bad about me, anyway? I don't steal, I don't abuse innocents, I don't lie unless I feel my safety and sanity is being threatened, and I don't insult people I'm not affectionate with. Admittedly, I don't pray as often as I should, I give way too much information at times, I abuse my male friends, and I molest my female friends too much.

So I show way too much of my cleavage, my nipples have a tendency to pop up too obviously, and I am not shy about displaying my body. So I was really lonely and slipped into the bed of a few guys who were free and willing. So I am frank about my sexual past and my current sexual needs. Tell me who did I really hurt?

Don't look down at me without looking into the mirror. When you attempt to hurt me with your narrow viewpoints and your insults, you're actually worse than I am. You've done something worse than giving pleasure to several guys (and one girl). Tell me who have you hurt and what's good about that?

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030211

Monday, February 10, 2003

03:33 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

A Big Lie in a pile of small truths

Sometimes, I look at my blog, and wish that it was tangible so I could grip it and rip it into pieces for the pointless franticness I apply to it. Nearly every bloody day I faithfully write on this god-damned piece of "shrine" and instead of feeling any clearer and wiser, all I feel is more confused and blinder than ever.

What am I doing on this blog? What "truth" is there to be found in complaining about my sex life or lack of it and my mother? Why, despite eight blog entries in two days, do I just feel more confused than ever?

Where can I find the serenity I seek? What the hell am I doing, and how the hell do I find out what to do? I feel so pointless.

This blog is a goddamned, wasteful time-consumer that distracts me from actually facing the real things in my head. I concentrate so hard on stupid topics that I ignore the deeper issues, the aimlessness of my life.

The best lies are made surrounded by truth, and that is what I've inadvertently done on this blog. I've been telling myself that I've been telling the truth, when the truth is that I'll never be able to tell the whole truth on this blog. So it's all just lies anyway.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030210a

Monday, February 10, 2003

12:47 a.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Bored of Sex

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Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030210