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HANI's Honey
Disclaimer - Everything on this website is done pretty much without thinking. Any offence or mental disturbance resulted in interacting with this website and its author is completely unintentional and sadly regretted.
Surgery successful, so I have returned!
Saturday, February 22, 2003
03:39 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time
The Successful Surgery
My vision is blurry. I have to use the magnifier to see what I'm typing. It's slightly annoying because the magnifier doesn't show the whole line of typing space and I have to move the mouse a lot to see what I'm doing. Thank God I can touch-type!The surgery was fun! It was like going to the dentist on a happy pill. There were moments of discomfort, but I couldn't be too uncomfortable because I was too giddy and happy! Don't ask me what it was like. All I remember is that I looked at this red light. It was a funky and cool red light. Daddy says the surgery took over half-an-hour, but it didn't seem that long to me. I was just fascinated by the red light. It had such depth and tonality....
So the doctor says my vision is very good. I just feel like they glued contact lenses into my eyes....
Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030222
Thursday, February 20, 2003
10:26 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time
Surgery on Eyes changes Soul
Tomorrow, I'll be going for the LASIK operation to correct my short-sightedness and astigmatism. My eyes will be bandaged for a few days, which means no blog entries, since I won't be able to see anything to blog.Am a little nervous, but mostly excited. I'm looking forward to never having to spend money on glasses and contact lenses anymore!!! (I was getting worried about earning my own money for that.... My glasses alone would cost half my paycheck!) I will miss wearing glasses however. I've been wearing them since I was nine.
Right from the start, I always had 100% UV protection on my glasses, and I know it makes a huge difference, when I'm out in the sun in my contacts or when I'm wearing my glasses. Now I will need to pick some good-looking shades instead.... And I hate shades because they distort colour.
I'll miss wearing glasses, I will. They're comfortable to me. They've become such an integral part of my identity. I only wore contacts when I wanted a mask. I wore contacts for a job interview, for a presentation, and for acting gigs. The girl with contacts on was a performer. She was confident, outspoken, friendly, witty, interested in people, and a party girl. I'll lean forward in my chair, I'll make eye-contact. But it's tiring to be a people person all the time. Mostly, I wear my glasses, and I stick to my close friends. I day-dream in the middle of conversations, I slouch in my chair, I bully my friends, I drift off to read my books.
Of course, I don't need to wear my contacts to summon the persona that wears contacts, nor vice versa, but that's the associations in my head. Glasses make the laid-back me, the contacts make the go-getter.
I feel like after undergoing LASIK, I will suddenly become a full-time performer, the charismatic people person who seems fantastic and special. When I know, in truth, all I've accomplished is hours of sleep on my bed, and the ability to read a romance novel in three hours. So maybe it's a good thing I'll be killing off the girl who wears glasses. Then again, I doubt that it would be as easy to kill that lazy-bum side of me, with mere surgery.
Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030220a
Thursday, February 20, 2003
10:09 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time
broaching confusing topics
There are some topics that I have tried to breach to the Shrine of Honesty of Sorts, and yet have never managed to complete, because it would deteriorate into incoherent ramblings with no sense. I can't make sense of those topics on my blog for the simple reason that I can't make sense of them in my own head.I get so confused by certain topics. I don't know where to start, nor where to end, or even where the whole border of that topic is. Some topics just don't seem to explain themselves in linear fashion, and unfortunately, when all I have words, all I can do to explain myself, is linearly.
I don't draw, I don't write music, I don't paint. I do dance, but I'm limited by my lazy-ass lifestyle, and a lack of learning in dance. Anyway, I don't want to try the headache of trying to put my dancing on the internet.
Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030220
Wednesday, February 19, 2003
02:36 a.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time
Hiding Daily
Am sleepy as hell. I slept at four in the morning, woke up five and a half hours later, left the house slightly after eleven in the morning, and didn't come home until less than half an hour ago. It was a rather good day.I don't normally talk about what I did during the day. I might refer to an event or two within a whole day, but I don't recount what I do. While other people hide their feelings and thoughts, I hide the events of my life. Ask me what I feel about anything, but don't ask me for a timeline of what I did yesterday. My mind would blank it out and I would be unable to answer you.
It's a very strange quirk of mine. Then again, I'm very strange. Warning: I'm a bit too sleepy to figure out why it is so, with any clarity. I get paranoid about people knowing what I do. I guess it's another reason why I hate having to answer to my mother, because she wants to know what I'm doing, where I'm going, who I'm going with, and I hate telling most people my affairs. I'll tell some people about some events, but different groups know about different events, and only Tariq knows most of my life's events.
It's strange how I don't mind people judging me based on my thoughts and feelings, but I don't like people making comments on what I do. It disturbs me when my mother complains that I go out too much. I get very stressed when I have to spend the whole day with the same person (except those not under my Most Trusted List).
I think it was originally, possibly, a way for me to hide certain traits and habits I had that I was deep down ashamed of. I know now that these traits and habits that I thought were flaws of mine, are just traits of ADD people and common coping habits they had acquired. So maybe I don't need to hide my daily lifestyle to my close friends and family anymore.
I'll stick to hiding the daily events of my life on my blog, however. It's also my way of remaining anonymous.
Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030219
Monday, February 17, 2003
10:25 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time
token blogging
After all that frenzied blogging, I seem to feel the opposite lately, and I have to force myself to blog. Hey, at least, I still feel compelled to blog.I can't seem to focus and pick a single topic to discuss that's genuinely troublesome to my heart. Sure, my mother is troublesome, but that's just petty troubles that I roll my eyes at.
I seem to be ignoring the deeper issues, and it's taking its toll in my mouth. An extra ulcer has grown on my tongue right beside the old one. It's terribly irritating.
Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030217a
Monday, February 17, 2003
12:10 a.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time
Mother, Marriage, and Tolerance
It is difficult, after a year and a half, to return under the yoke of my paranoid, worrying mother. In my opinion, she should be extremely grateful that I am such a patient and understanding daughter.So many girls out there sneak out of their houses, or openly snub and rebel against their parents. I get so tempted sometimes, but I know that I won't, because I am smart, intelligent, and very considerate, and I understand that fears are not rational and therefore need to be tolerated.
I'm such a kind and considerate daughter, that I respect my mother's wishes (which tend to be worded as commands, but I have to put on some rose-coloured hearing aids, or I'd end up killing her), to ease her mind of her paranoia and fears for her darling little daughter.
Truthfully, the only way I'm tolerating this is thinking, This is only temporary, this is only temporary, this is only temporary....
No wonder "starter marriages" are so common now! Starter marriage is a term used for those couples divorced within the first year of their first marriage. My theory is that they're so desperate to get out from under their parents' thumb, they jump into a marriage knowing it won't work out.
I am luckily a fortunate, smart, intelligent, kind and compassionate girl, and will respect my mother's wishes for a few more years until I marry my One True Love. He better not die on me or I'll definitely get tempted to "starter marry" myself!
Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030217
Saturday, February 15, 2003
08:42 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time
Fuck me!
So call this a really, really petty blog entry.I am going clubbing tonight. I decided to wear shorts, since I rarely wear shorts on a daily basis, I figured, hey, shorts are an acceptable item of clothing at a club! (Especially when you're too lazy to get rid of the hair on your legs, the darkness of a club is really useful.)
My intelligent but ignorant mother demands that I change to something that covers my legs better because she doesn't want me raped. Raped! Pah. I've been wearing skimpier outfits than what I had on for the past two years she wasn't around, and I have yet to be sexually propositioned, much less raped. Excuse me, but what you wear has little to do with what rapists consider as rapeable, regardless of the stupid myths of this bloody stupid motherfucking world.
Try reading safety suggestions in avoiding rape. They say avoid secluded places. Walk with a confident and aggressive air, as if you know exactly where the fuck you're going. Stay in a group, if you can. No where do such suggestions say wear decent clothing. That's because, a stupid girl wearing hijab to her knees, in a bus, in broad daylight, can still be raped.
Of course, I didn't argue this with my mother. I'm now wearing white pants. I'll have to look for some skin-coloured pants just to get on her nerves....
And no, I refuse to change clothes outside of the house the way so many girls do. I lie enough to my mother without adding something as petty as how I dress.
Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030215
Friday, February 14, 2003
11:48 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time
that time of the month again....
Have checked my calendar, and sure enough, in the month of January, I marked the 16th as a day I was suffering crankiness and irritability. Since my period cycle is short of the month two to three days, the 14th is a logical period for me to suffer another bout of the dreaded and annoying pre-menstrual syndrome....God, I can't even seriously concentrate enough to write a thoughtful, relatively intelligent blog entry. My head's just filled with constant, droning, background swearing. The only things that stops the swearing are laughing my head off at Fabian, and dancing.
I think Fabian might refuse to speak to me forever and ever now. Thank God I'm going clubbing tomorrow night.
Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030214a
Friday, February 14, 2003
01:58 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time
Stress causing Irritability and Ulcers
How ironic that I seem to have woken up very cranky and irritable on Valentine's Day. If Tariq had been here, I'd have bitten him already. As it is, I was quite cranky with him over the phone. The politest thing I said was, "Go to sleep!"I have three ulcers in my mouth. A teeny one inside the center of my lower lip. Another teeny one on the right side of my tongue that keeps being aggravated by my teeth. Plus one huge one to the right of the teeny one on my lower lip. I get ulcers from time to time. A random ulcer is nothing to fuss about.
Three ulcers popping all at once, mostly on one side of the mouth, means buried, denied, unexpressed stress. Since I'm burying, denying and not expressing this stress, I'll procrastinate figuring out the reason for this stress....
Until then, I suggest avoiding me for the day. I'm really irritable. Fuck you.