HANI's Honey

Thursday, March 6, 2003

01:12 a.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Please find honesty between lines

So here's a different way of writing the truth, when words fail to describe what's in your heart.

I had puffy eyes today. Lack of sleep and a lot of crying. Then again, I cry all the time. I read a romance novel and I cry. I watch my boyfriend through his webcam and I cry. My eyes were so bad, people noticed. They kept asking me what happened.

My boyfriend was calling on my handphone every now and then, and I could barely hear a word over the noise of college and its environments. I think I never want to say the word "what??" for a whole week. It was so annoying and pointless.

My eyes started hurting. My body was aching. I've been abusing myself somewhat. I could barely comprehend that two and two makes four.

I slept as soon as I got home. Best sleep ever. Deep sleep. I haven't had that good a sleep in weeks, I think. At least, since I had the eye operation. I keep thinking that I have contacts in my eyes and I keep waking up in the middle of sleep.

Mom is making me sit for one hour at the dining table every night after dinner. Study, read textbook, do whatever that's productive. I was so restless. My legs were bouncing non-stop.

I miss Tariq. Lust for all sorts of strange people: that's just temporary. Even with Tariq. Missing Tariq never stops though. Constant and steady, like the dripping of a water tap.

After the stupid sit-at-dining-table-for-one-hour, I went into my bathroom with the intention of taking a shower. There's a bloody cockroach in my shower stall.

So there you go. The truth is hidden in there somewhere. Find it yourself.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030306

Tuesday, March 4, 2003

10:47 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

New Mission: Be Honest

I have decided to reinterpret the purpose of sitting at the dining table. To keep peace in the household, I'll refrain from mentioning the purpose to my mother. She'll never check what I'm doing at the dining table. Just as long as I sit there.

It's not that I'm avoiding studies, but I think my parents are over-obsessive on my studying, on the first week of college, when I have no work to do. I truly think that I'm better off doing things that are just as important as studying, but perhaps not so urgent in my parents' eyes.

So today, I sat down and worked on my personal mission statement. From time to time, I write a personal mission statement. I find that it helps me stay on a path to where I want to go. I tend to change as a person, though, and the statement tends to not apply to my life after a while, and becomes ineffective.

My previous mission statement was very action-oriented:

Climb all mountains
Enjoy the falls
Bring along friends

It really doesn't apply to my life anymore. I don't care about mountains anymore. I'm tired of trying to climb mountains, and I'm tired of pretending that falls are something to enjoy. I sat there and tried to figure out what I want and what is most important to me now.

I just want peace of mind. I want to be able to look in the mirror and not hate myself. That means conducting myself in a manner that I am not ashamed of. So I knew that my mission statement had to be about how I want to live my life from now on. My mission statement had to state the principles I should live by for my peace of mind.

Then my mind drifted to this blog and I knew that the concept of this blog is one of the most important principles of my life. Being honest has never been painless for me, but more often than not, I have regretted not speaking more than speaking.

I don't think I'll actually write down my new personal mission statement here. I feel too vulnerable tonight. Let's just say, at the top, in big bold letters, is the main theme of this blog:

HONESTY

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030304

Monday, March 3, 2003

11:00 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Two Girls I Lust After

There's just something about TJ. The way she walks. Her butt doesn't jiggle in any way, but her whole body below her waist just wiggles while she walks. It makes you wonder if her lower body would wiggle just like that in bed.

Then, there's her smell. She always covers her own smell with a myriad of perfumes. She likes them in many ways. Sweet, musky, passionate. From day to day, you just never know how she's going to smell. Just under the perfume, though, you can always smell her real smell, and it's sweeter and headier than any perfume on earth. Her own smell. Salty, sweet, musky, just sexy.

The way she dresses is just so cute. Trendy, but with a trace of her own personal signature. It's quite ironic that she's nearing 22, but she still dresses like a teenager, more often than not. She gets away with it too. Like a Japanese school girl with an actual individuality. The combination is just soooo attractive.

TJ, to my torturous delight, is a tease. I rarely hide it when I lust after a person. More often than not, especially if they're single, I'll tell them when they're attractive to me. She knows I lust after her. I tell her very often. When I ask her to, she'll bite my neck. It drives me nuts. She lets me smell her neck too. I feel like drooling on her damned neck.

I will never, never, never forget her rubbing her nipples on my back. She was trying to get information out of me. A secret a mutual friend of ours confided to me. Evil. Tease. We were sharing a bed at the time. I had turned away, saying, "I won't tell you!"

The evil, delectable woman pressed her bra-less breasts against my back, ever so gently, while hugging me. She rubbed herself on my back. I could feel her nipple. "Tell me, Hani," she said in that sexy, husky voice of hers. God, I'm amazed that I could sleep that night.

She has never allowed to me kiss her on the lips though. She kisses my cheek and my forehead, and bites my neck. Tease. I adore her.

Today, Nina told me she nearly managed to kiss TJ on the lips. Now, Nina and I have kissed. Repeatedly. In depth. Nothing more, though. Just very nice kisses.

Nina has the best lips in the world. So soft. Her tongue, specializing in wit and laser sarcasm, is amazingly soft too while kissing. You should watch her when she's talking excitedly. Her mouth moves in ways that makes you wonder how well her mouth can move on someone's skin.

I could contentedly sit in front of Nina and watch her mouth for hours. While I fantasize what I could do to TJ's body, and see how she reacts to it, I fantasize of Nina's mouth working on my body. Okay, I admit, I fantasize about the noises that might come out of her mouth if it was my mouth on her nipples.

God, I'm so glad I was born a girl. If guys went around voicing their fantasies about their friends, they wouldn't have any more friends!

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030303a

Monday, March 3, 2003

10:36 a.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Breakfast is Bad

I still don't feel all that happy and healthy waking up early, however. I feel rather cranky, and hungry, in fact. Unfortunately, I feel more nauseous than hungry.

For as long as I can remember, I've never been able to eat heavy food in the morning. They say you're supposed to make breakfast the main meal of the day, but I wake up too nauseous to eat. I hate waking up early because I'd be conscious of my hunger, but unable to force myself to eat more than a little egg sandwich or buttered toast. It's frustrating.

Maybe I should cut down on dinner. I have a suspicion that the body working to digest food all night while asleep may be the reason I wake up nauseous.

Maybe I'll get around to doing that once I finally get the hang of sleeping and waking early. It ain't happening right now. I feel grumpy.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030303

Sunday, March 2, 2003

12:22 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Nuances of the Tarot

Too many people think that "fortune-telling" absolves their own responsibilities for their own fate. Like it's not their own choices and their own acts that will result in whatever will happen.

Each time, before I do a reading for someone else, I must explain that the tarot, or rather, my tarot readings, don't provide answers. They provide insight. When I lay out my tarot cards, all it does is tell the story of your problem, so you can see it more objectively, more clearly. The tarot solves nothing for you. You are master of your own destiny.

I like reading the tarot cards. It channels my abilities as a story-teller, to clarify issues and problems that otherwise are very clouded. Often though, I find that I have difficulty finding clearer meanings for my own readings.

Sometimes, when I'm reading for others, I worry that I don't interpret the cards well enough. There's so much nuance and depth to what the cards tell, that I know I miss. I'm still such an amateur, and I miss a lot of what the tarot tells me.

Something else that worries me a little, but mostly annoys me, is that after doing a tarot reading for other people, often they'll try to do their own little readings, using the little books that come along with my cards. Without practice, without experience, it's difficult to find the true meanings of the tarot. So many people trying to read the tarot have difficulty applying the meaning of the card, to the meaning of the position. Too often, they misinterpret their own readings.

I wonder how often I've misinterpreted my own?

Luckily I'm A.D.D. and I never remember what my cards say after I've shuffled them right back into the deck.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030302a

Sunday, March 2, 2003

03:15 a.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

never take the migraine seriously

Debilitating head pain. I kill it with 500mg of acetaminophen and 500mg of aspirin, all at once. Unfortunately, though Excedrin Migraine, the brand of painkiller I use for my migraines, kills the debilitating head pain, it does nothing for the nausea and mild diarrhea I suffer as part of the migraine.

I haven't had it this bad in a while. Nausea and diarrhea without the head pain isn't so bad, really.

I am sooo thankful for Excedrin Migraine. I don't know how I'd survive life without it.

I still remember the first time I had a migraine. It was so bad, it didn't stop at nausea. I actually vomited. I laid down in complete darkness, to ease the pain, but even that didn't help. I couldn't sleep because it hurt, and I was so bored, but I couldn't do anything, because I was in such pain.

I am a sad specimen of human being. I suffer all sorts of pain. If it wasn't for painkillers, I'd have ended up a lot more useless than I am now. I could have happily live in those days when all women did was sit in harems and wait for that rare occasion when the Sultan/Rajah would demand I fuck him.

Expecting women to be useful, productive members of society when she suffers debilitating pain on regular basis is really ridiculous.

Then again, expecting a woman suffering debilitating pain to say anything that she actually means is completely unacceptable. So don't you dare take this blog entry seriously.

Random statement: I'm considering beginning a blog of my sexual fantasies.... or erotic fiction, at least. What do you guys think?

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030302