HANI's Honey

Sunday, April 13, 2003

02:34 a.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

remembering What Happened

Barenaked Ladies - Call and Answer

Today, Tariq told me that his father criticized him for allowing me to wrap my boyfriend around my little finger. Poor Tariq was accused of lacking in "manly pride."

This annoys me. When I think of the past year, the shit that Tariq and I went through, and the herculean effort I put into rebuilding what I destroyed, I get infuriated.

Let me tell you that there is a simple reason why Tariq allows me to wrap him around my little finger. He can bloody afford to. He has the upper hand of the man who has been only kind and wonderful to a girl who hurt him very badly.

Call and Answer is practically a summary of the things that Tariq told me during his summer holiday in Malaysia. Yes, he lets me bully him. Yes, he gives me the moon, the stars, and the ocean, when I ask for then. Yes, I take over his bed.

Yet, I tell you the truth, when I say that it is me who is wrapped around his little finger. I adore him. I am grateful to him. I threw away my self-respect, and he gave me the chance to gain it back. There has been no one who has saved me the way he has.

He doesn't need superficial "manly pride." He has been the best of men to me. He has gone through the worst I could throw at him. A lesser man would have thrown me to the wolves. He had the strength to look past his own pain to mine. He had the courage to give me a second chance. He had the wisdom to teach me how to be a better person.

I wish I had the words to tell you what kind of strength and courage it takes to do what he did for me. I wish I had the power to make him the happiest of men. All I can do is do my best. I spend so much of my time stressing over the fact that I could never repay what he has done for me.

Then his father dares criticize how he allows me to treat him. Tariq can choose however the hell he wants me to treat him. I am his, and I proclaim it here. He has earned the right to have a love relationship the way he wants it to be.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030413a

Sunday, April 13, 2003

12:32 a.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Why I'm not Blogging Properly

I've been so desperate, if you check out the html, I've resorted to tables to fix my HANIcomb header.

So much for web standards....

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030413

Friday, April 11, 2003

03:55 a.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Accomplished and Productive

Tariq helped me write it a lot. Well, not to actually write it. He was rather useless at the actual content. My comp-sci boy has a poor comprehension for public relations, and every time I mention the word marketing, he starts ranting about how evil marketers are. So, content-wise: useless. But he sat there, and indulged me while I was alternately hitting him repeatedly and running around in circles screaming about how I don't know what to write, until suddenly I have a written outline I apparently dictated to Tariq.

He has a gift of pulling out clarity from my confused, cluttered brain. He also insisted I call him every time I finish a segment of the assignment, which forced me to actually write the damned thing, instead of just leaving it as an outline.

He is really nice and pesters me to do work on a step by step basis.

I have been sitting at this computer for so long, I think it's mad at me. I keep hurting myself on it. I scratched my thigh on a corner, and I bumped my knee against the table leg, and my hip bumped the back of the computer table.

So I think I will escape and go to bed.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030411

Wednesday, April 9, 2003

08:56 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

someone asked for more images

Now excuse me further. I got more stuff to twiddle around with on the blog.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030409b

Wednesday, April 9, 2003

04:34 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

I studied and attended test

What I'm proud of is that I actually sat down and studied last night, with all my heart, instead of just giving up in despair. Giving up in despair was my usual modus operandi.

It was nice to conquer that. I think I managed to conquer it because I didn't waste time berating myself for being distracted. Yes, sure I wasted two hours surfing the net because I forgot to flip back to the website with past-year test questions, but I'm ADD. It happens. Just accept it and get back to work.

Knowing that forgetting that I'm in the middle of studying for a test the next day is just normal for me, has made a whole lot of difference. I had come to expect myself to focus intensely at studying, and forget everything else. When I couldn't force myself to do that, I would then despair and give up. Of course, I would fail the test that way.

Now, I cut myself some slack and am learning to enjoy studying again. Just because I don't have silly demanding expectations of myself anymore.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030409a

Wednesday, April 9, 2003

02:48 a.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Hotlinking evil, Filedeleting good?

Oh wait, I need to host my style-sheets too....

Sigh. HANIfans shall just have to suffer while I suffer! HAH! There you go. See what the NetWorld has come to. Depriving poor little blogs from simple things like places to host style-sheets and 10kb jpgs.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030409

Tuesday, April 8, 2003

09:11 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Spectacles for ADD

If I had lived a century ago, before people knew that eyes could get blurry, perhaps my parents would have smacked my head and told me I was lying. Maybe they would have called me stupid. Maybe they would punish me and force to me look at the menu for hours and hours until I could see and read it.

Luckily, we live today, and my parents were enlightened. They got worried instead, and took me to an eye specialist, who prescribed glasses for me. I could then see again, and read the menu without distress.

Unfortunately, though visual problems are accepted today, neurological ones are not. Today, I still feel like I'm nine, desperately trying to read that damned stupid menu over the fast-food counter. Even though my parents know I have ADD, they cannot grasp that it's a problem as physical as my short-sightedness.

Mom keeps trying to force me to sit down and study or do my assignments. Might as well force me to stand at that fast-food counter and read the far-away menu. I've had LASIK. I can read that damned menu without glasses now.

I want so badly to get my degree. I feel so helpless and stupid. But how do you try to finish even one assignment when you can't keep one single thought in your head long enough to remember what the assignment's question is?

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030408

Sunday, April 6, 2003

09:42 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Bewildering Events

With TJ's kind help, I took cellphone to shop. They say can fix for RM180. Parents are all over the world and so I don't have RM180 to pay shop. So must wait to get cellphone fixed.

JQ called and we decided to go out clubbing. I asked the one and only Groovedoctor where to go, and though he was playing at Frangipani (is that how you spell it?), he suggested that the two of us solo girls should just go to Bliss instead. So we complied.

We got there early, since we had nothing much else to do. JQ started moaning about wanting drinks, so I said to go get some guy to buy her drinks.

So JQ managed to get three free drinks off some guy working in Jakarta, here for only a week. Smooth lady, though it was me who first started chatting him up! Quarry thief, JQ is, I tell you!

Have to say the Jakarta boy had a very nice butt. Then the Groovedoctor and his wife showed up, which was a good thing, because several minutes later, I needed rescuing from big giant intense scary black guy. I thought he was rather handsome and nice, at first. Good dancer. But he was doing this staring thing, like he wants to push me down onto the floor and rape me right there and then. So, was glad to have protection.

Turned out that the Jakarta boy and Groovedoctor know each other. Poor JQ didn't know that Groovedoctor's name was Mark. I keep calling him Abang Hussein, after all.

Was suspicious of JQ's driving skills, so refused to let her drive. Unfortunately, her car is a manual, so it was slightly problematic. Jakarta boy came to the rescue. He drove JQ's car, and I drove his automatic Saga. Haven't convoyed in a while. I enjoy it. It fun.

Then, when I came home from clubbing, to my horror and shock, the land line had no dialtone! I was most upset. Not only did I not have a cellphone, I had no land line either. No form of communication whatso-fucking-ever.

Went to sleep. Woke up around twelvish. Immediately tested the landline, and still no dialtone. JQ and I went out for lunch. Strangely, when I came back, the damned house phone had a dialtone once more.

I do not question. I only thank God. Not that He approves of my gratitude, since I drank alcohol last night.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030406

Saturday, April 5, 2003

03:36 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Post-cum

Yet, as I'm ovulating, and horny as hell, I can't help thinking that Tariq in quarantine is a blessing of sorts.

If our separation hadn't been forced on us like this, I doubt that I'd have had the will to avoid fucking him.

I've been masturbating and multi-orgasming several times a day! (Won't tell you the exact number.)

Having a high sex drive is annoying sometimes, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. It's pleasurable. Not just during the orgasms, but the after-glow after several orgasms in a row is just so pleasant.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030405

Friday, April 4, 2003

11:15 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Ranting without Thought

Diamond Rio - One More Day

The How Emotional Are You? quiz has been rather apt on how I'm feeling tonight. Except that it claims I want to even think. I don't want to think. I don't want to feel.

It is the weekend, and I won't be allowed to be with my boyfriend for the whole time. Sigh. No biggie, I know, but I still don't want to feel.

It was so frustrating this morning. I spent nearly two ringgit on a payphone call to his cellphone. Just enough to learn he was at the hospital, but not enough to feel reassured.

Then, I come home, and Dad's home. I try his battery on my cellphone. I try my battery on his cellphone. Hey, guess what? My battery works, but not my cellphone.

On the bright side, I have nothing much to do this weekend, so I'll be able to concentrate on my laxed studies. I'll do that the minute I allow myself to think again.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030404