Thursday, May 1, 2003

06:19 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Facts of Pooh vs Adik

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Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030501

Tuesday, April 29, 2003

11:31 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Token Entry

Mom wants to move the computer out of my bedroom this weekend. Sigh.

I guess that means I can't read ASSM stories naked anymore.

On one hand, I feel like my privacy is being invaded.

On the other, it's a good thing. Maybe, now, I won't be stuck in my bedroom so much. No more cave-hiding.

Hah. I didn't have an internet connection while I was in NYU, and I managed a week in bed.

Argh. I wish they'd ask me what they think we should do about me.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030429

Monday, April 28, 2003

05:41 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

I fainted this morning

I woke up to the shouting of parents and pounding on the door. Quickly checked my phone to see that it was eight o'clock in the morning, the reason my parents were making a fuss.

My class begins at eight in the morning. And I was still asleep.

So Mom is screaming and shouting, demanding I open the door. I jumped out of bed, rushed to put on a kaftan, and opened the door, whereupon Mom carried on shouting at me.

I recall something like, "The whole past week you just slept and stayed in your bedroom! You live in this mess! Did you finish any of your papers last week? Did you?!"

I managed to say, no, and I think she managed another sentence, before I started swaying. I think I heard Mom say, "Hani? Why are you swaying? Stand up!"

Alas, though I really tried, I couldn't stand up. Eyes were blacking out, and for the first time in my life, I actually fainted.

So Mom caught me, and laid me down on the floor. I was cushioned by all the clothes I have on the floor. Yes, you couldn't actually find clean floor in my room, if you wanted to.

I always thought people who faint lose consciousness, but my eyes were wide open the whole time, and I was quite awake. I just could literally feel that the blood wasn't reaching my head.

Mom was very nice while I was trying to recover. Made me sit with my head between my legs. The maid came in to the room, and in like a minute, everything was neat-looking. Amazing. How come I don't have that ability?

I'm thinking that I have slight low blood pressure, and jumping out of bed too fast caused the faint. But I had jemput-jemput (some banana mini-cakes, you could call it, I guess) for breakfast, and a Subway sandwich for lunch. So I feel good now.

Well, Statistics making me feel nauseous. That, though, is another story.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030428a

Monday, April 28, 2003

12:08 a.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Am Afraid

Am nervous about Statistics.

Am very nervous about Statistics.

Test on Tuesday, you see.

I decidely lack self-confidence, when it comes to subjects that involve numbers.

Sometimes, I think, that learning is not about mastering a subject, but attaining enough competence that you feel self-confident about it.

I am in a strange, vicious cycle, where I am not competent at Statistics, so I feel unconfident about my abilities in Statistics, which makes me more afraid of it, which makes me less able to be competent at Statistics.

So, before I screw up the rest of my entire life, by failing Statistics a third time (and therefore being kicked out of college), I have to work on both my competence and my self-confidence. Because I cannot have one without the other.

Argh. Stupid test on Tuesday.

Am so bloody very fucking nervous about stupid Statistics.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030428

Friday, April 25, 2003

11:55 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Offence on Behalf of Others

Again, some anonymous coward has made a nasty comment. This time, it's not about me, but worse, about someone I love.

I was speechless a few minutes after reading what sss had typed down:

"dont you know, he's been going with this one girl behind you back ???"

Let me state that even if what sss had said was true, how he went about telling it would have sent me into rage anyway. Anonymously? Without proof? In public, on a blog of over 100 hits daily?

I have always known that if my significant other had cheated on me, I would want to know. I would hate to find out that my man had been fucking some other woman for two bloody years without anyone coming up to me to tell me. But a comment, where people who don't know my boyfriend or me, could read that accusation, is not the way to inform me.

Next problem with sss: I seriously doubt that my boyfriend's "going out" with some other woman behind my back. One of the reasons is because I have actually, sincerely encouraged him to seek out other women before he settled on me. So you see, he doesn't need to do it behind my back. I cannot mention the other two reasons. They involve other parties. My boyfriend would spank my little butt red if I mentioned one reason, and the other reason would invade the privacy of other parties. But sufficient to say that he tells me he's content with me and me alone, and I believe him.

My boyfriend has lots and lots of flaws. I could take 2000 words to write down all his flaws. (Well, I could take 2000 words to write down all his good qualities too.) His flaws are well-known to friends and family. But he doesn't deserve a public accusation of cheating on me. Because he's done no such thing.

If you think he has, then tell it to my face. If you can't, then e-mail me with the proof. Don't come onto my blog and do my man this monumental injustice. He's done nothing to deserve such a public, anonymous accusation. He's inconsiderate, rude, and I have to say NO repeatedly when he's horny. But he's generous, obliging, and very tolerant of me. Be a bloody decent human being and though I'll accept telling lies about yourself, don't lie about other people. Especially those I care about.

Such nasty words have so much power. It shakes me to think that just a year ago, I would have lacked the confidence in my boyfriend that I do now, and I would have let such words affect me. On niggling doubt and suspicion, I would have destroyed my relationship with Tariq, based on words written by an anonymous, nasty slanderer.

That's why I'm so mad. I'm not really mad at sss, though I'd like to cut out his/her tongue, and cut off his/her hands. I'm mad at who I was, and how I thought. I love Tariq so very much, and really, if he wants to fuck some other woman, sss, dear, I couldn't care less.

What I care about: lies. Honesty. You better keep anonymous, sss, because if I ever find out your identity, I'll be very, very tempted to harm you.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030425a

Friday, April 25, 2003

02:02 a.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Love / Hate Phone

My depressed mind just thinks, "Great, now I don't have an excuse not to keep in touch with people."

I am no longer able to stay in my cave. I'm being shoved out. Not even by anything or anyone physical, but by the amazing "freedom" of mobile communications.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030425