Internet access at home has been interrupted.

Wednesday, May 7, 2003

05:26 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Cosmic Comic Memories

I spent most of my time in Barnes and Noble bookstores. I frequented three major ones, and I knew their layouts by heart. You can bet your dollar that I knew exactly where the romances, the fantasy and science fiction, and the graphic novels were.

I spent hours reading. It only takes me three hours to read a full-length novel. Since I couldn't afford to buy as many books as I could actually read, I would sit in the bookstore, and I would read as many as time allowed me to.

I went to B&N every single day, except for Thursday. On Wednesday, I would head down on the 6 train, to Lexington Avenue and 23rd Street. I would walk along the block until I reach a board set on the street, with a picture of the Silver Surfer, that said in big, block letters, COSMIC COMICS.

The guy there called me Library Girl. That's because I would read all the comics for that week, right there in the comic store. I loved the guy there, because he always didn't mind that I would spend hours just reading all the comics. So many places don't allow free reading anymore, but he did.

It would storm, it would snow, it would melt rock, out there in New York, but no matter the weather, I showed up each week. If I missed a day, I'd turn up the very next day instead. "Hey, Library Girl, where you been, yesterday?" the store guy would ask. There was no space to sit, because every nook and cranny was filled with comics. I once went on a Wednesday, and there was no place to stand! It was so packed with people. (Wednesday is when new comics come out.) In winter, my coat would get damned heavy on my shoulders, just standing there. In summer, the air-conditioning was freezing. I didn't care. Comics were awesome.

I was mostly a fan of Batman. That involved reading Batman, Robin, Azrael, Batgirl, Birds of Prey, Nightwing, Young Justice, and JLA. Then, from JLA, we had to read Martian Manhunter, Wonder Woman, Flash, Impulse, Superman, Superboy, and I developed a little crush on Green Lantern, Kyle Rayner. I would read Marvel from time to time, but never X-Men. Not sure why. I don't like X-Men. I picked up Crimson too. Always liked Humberto Ramos' art. He did the cutest Impulse.

My favourite comic was Daredevil #9. That first page was just moving. The art for #9 and the next five or so issues was just awesome. I cheered when MJ Parker died. She got so whiney, always worrying about Peter Parker, and had little life of her own towards the end. I worried about Clark Kent and Lois Lane when she got so mean to him.

In return for all that free reading, I always bought one comic each week. Sometimes, I could afford a whole graphic novel of USD25. Other times, I'd only pick the best comic put out that week. As I pay for my comic, the store guy would ask me all about my life, and we'd discuss this and that. He was really nice, and I came to look forward to saying hi to the guy as much as to come in and read the comics.

I miss the damned place so much. Alas, I went back home to Malaysia, and the past times I passed that way, the COSMIC COMICS board was nowhere to be seen, which means that the shop was not open.

Did it, like so many other little comic store all around the U.S., close down? Maybe it moved, and I just didn't know where?

I never found another place that would let me read the comics for free. And with so many cross-overs, and old plotlines continued, I just didn't find one single comic a week satisfying enough. It felt frustrating. You just have to follow the story from Batman to Robin, to Catwoman, to Superman! You can't just read one comic when you're dealing with comics! I would have gladly paid for the right to read the whole story, but I couldn't afford to pay the buy the whole story.

So I stopped buying comics altogether. Nowadays, if I see a graphic novel, or a JLA collection in Kino-Kuniya or Barnes & Noble, I pick it up and read through. But gone are the days when I followed everything faithfully. I miss those days. It's like old friends whose blogs you don't read for a few months. You come back, and you find everything's changed and confusing.

I don't buy comics anymore, but I will always love them for the memories I have of Thursdays and the COSMIC COMICS guy.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030507

Sunday, May 4, 2003

10:01 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Computer Moved

The only drawbacks of the computer being in the living room is that there is no fan in the living room, so I'm feeling hot, and that anyone could pass by and see me working on my blog.

Speaking of seeing my blog, apparently my mother knows I blog. I'm not really surprised. My mother is a very intelligent woman and furthermore, a mother, and Knows All.

I pray to God that she just never gets around to figuring out what my url is, or worse, asks someone else to go spy on her behalf to what's on my blog....

With my luck at hiding things from my mother, she'd hit my blog on a week I'm discussing sex. Worse, when I'm discussing her (like this very entry).

In the meantime, I'm going to go hit the bed, and enjoy the vibes of a bedroom free of advanced electronical devices.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030504a

Sunday, May 4, 2003

04:24 a.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

The Most Idiotic Saturday Evening

It was me, sitting at a table with my extremely shy cousin from Kelantan and her friend from their university in some God-forsaken place, while my parents, my elder sisters, and their friends sit at another table altogether.

It's been years since I've felt as socially inadequate as tonight.

I'm really quite a sociable creature. I can normally hold my own in a social gathering. I actually like to pick the shy ones who are to timid to approach others for a conversation. They're interesting, once you get them warmed up.

However, my cousin's English is poor. So I had to speak in Malay. My Malay is poor. I am completely inadequate in Malay, and the more inadequate I feel, the more my brain retreats into my English-speaking mentality, and the less I'm able to access my Malay vocabulary.

To make matters worse, my cousin and her friend, would not actually reply to me. They would avoid saying a word if they could. Nothing I said (which wasn't very much, I admit, given my inability to speak Malay) got them talking. Annoyingly, they didn't bother trying to hold a conversation with me either. Not out of rudeness, but out of sheer timidity.

So I sat, watching the next table, consisting of the rest of my family, having an excellent time on a Saturday evening, while I had been shoved off to the "kiddie" table on my own, to deal with two socially inept and inconsiderate people.

Mom even asked me, "Are you okay?"

What was I supposed to answer? Sure, I'm completely fine sitting with two people who won't talk to me! Considering that there were eight people at the other table, would it have been so injurious to any of them to have sat with the three "kiddies?"

I felt like I had somehow lost nine years of my life, and was back to being thirteen years old, and sitting at the table, shuffling my feet, not knowing what to say to all the other kids. I don't blame my cousin and her friend, truthfully. They're just intimidated and shy.

I just felt like I, alone, had been placed with the responsibility to somehow get my cousin, her friend, and I all social, and I was terribly inadequate at it. I just wished that they could have at least tossed one other person to hang out with us to help me out.

I feel very annoyed at all eight people of the other table for shoving me off on my own. They saved a spot for Kak Mi to sit with them. They squeezed a table for six, to make room for eight, and shoved me into an awkward, lonely position. What's so wrong with a table of six and five, tell me?

I'm so mad. I take pride in my social graces, and when I don't do well at social gatherings, I feel terrible. Maybe I could improve my skills further. Yet, I don't know what I could have done to get two intimidated, shy girls to be more talkative. I'm glad that they had each other, at least. They muttered to each other in tones I couldn't hear.

I think I'm mad at them too. They left me out. They didn't have the common courtesy to include me into their little conversations. I know they didn't do it out of pettiness, but because they felt intimidated by me, but I still just felt left out.

I felt left out of my own family, and I felt left out of a little duo I don't really know anyway. It was the most idiotic Saturday evening I've ever had. I'd have much rather spent it at home, in front of my computer.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030504

Saturday, May 3, 2003

08:29 a.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Emotional Awareness

I gave Akak a tarot reading. She was amazed by my ability to give her a reading without referring to the "textbook." Her reading, however, was a lot clearer than a lot of my other readings. Sometimes, my readings can be confused and confusing. Akak's reading last night, however, seemed to have had me tapped Outside, if anyone can understand what that means.

Hmm... I just woke up from sleep. I'm sure that though I was tapped to the Outside, last night, this morning, I'm just confused and confusing.

So, the cute little frog that is my elder sister was amazed by my tarot reading skills, despite the fact, that I felt like it wasn't me doing the reading. She got more amazed, when she re-shuffled the deck and randomly pulled out the fifth card of her tarot reading again.

She insisted I pull out a single card too. I got Ace of Cups. The Rider-Waite deck isn't as pretty as my Spiral Tarot. My Akak was most jealous by the rainbow-prettiness of the card I pulled out.

Without checking the "textbook," as Akak calls it, the Outside told me that the card meant I was beginning to feel the right way. I studied for my Statistics, albeit at the last minute, conquering some of my ridiculous fear of college. I was, at that moment, hanging out with my Akak, without assuming that she was there to criticize my millions of faults. I felt good about myself. I felt like I was on the right track, and the card I pulled out, Ace of Cups, confirmed it.

It was nice to get that card, because my head was starting to fill up with nasty little ideas that my success was only temporary, that I'd get right back down to doing stupid things that would screw up the rest of my life, and that I should give up right now.

I won't give up though. I am worth fighting for. People love me, though I might make them want to strangle me into some semblance of sense. I'm beginning to understand that you can still be loved by the person who wants to strangle you for stupidity. I'm beginning to understand that I can keep loving myself, even though I would like to strangle my own neck for my own brain's stupidity.

So here's to the one and only, very awesome Ace of Cups: the seed of emotional awareness.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030503