Sunday, May 25, 2003

12:24 a.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Incoherent Discussion with Self

One side cannot stand the idea of giving up some of her freedom for her husband, while the other is apparently living that very concept. The former is currently single, and the latter is married and pregnant. Strangely, I find myself somewhere in between. I have a boyfriend I have every intention of marrying, although we're no where near married yet. We've already been going through informal rounds of negotiation for exactly how he should fulfill his duties as a husband, by what he will be providing me with. He has no intention of allowing me to sit at home and live off him.

That very sentence is filled with controversy. More modern ideas believe he has no right to forbid or allow me anything. Traditionally, he has the right to allow me to work, as well as forbid it. Instead, my unique and fantastic boyfriend wants to forbid me from being a housewife.

My relationship with Tariq is a strange blend of traditional and more liberating lifestyles, as is most of upper middle-class Malaysia. On one hand, I want him to his husbandly duty in providing me with food and home. On the other, I have no intention of home-making. If I could figure out a way for Tariq to earn money while sitting at home and minding the kids, I'd gladly encourage him on that path.

I wouldn't mind delegating the stresses of earning money and providing roofs over my head to my husband. After all, right now, I spend my time trying to leech as much money out of parents as possible, while they worry about providing me with the comforts of life. As far as I'm concerned, if Tariq could somehow provide me the same lifestyle, it would be rather nice.

So, today, Mom pays for my mobile phone bill. I'm using the Maxis M-flex plan, where she pays a flat rate of RM99 every month, for a fixed amount of minutes. Yet, I remember the days when I paid for my own phone bill, out of my own allowance. It made money tighter. I often had to go begging at friends' houses for free food. Yet it was my phone bill. I talked as much or as little as I wanted to. I changed the plan as I wanted to. I set the credit limit to how much I wanted it to be.

Makes sense that an occasional anorexic like me would enjoy the control I had out of it.

It's that very difference that applies to life as a wife. I could let go of the control, the worry, and the stress, and just spend my days making sure my husband was in the best shape possible to do the worrying, or I could take the control of my life directly into my own hands.

I think that even if I were to end up in a more traditional marriage, I'd be tempted to meddle. I'd suggest insurance companies, I'd go right out and buy stocks, I'd beg and wheedle and manipulate for my choice of mobile plan, I'd check the savings accounts, and hell, I'd keep a separate account for myself, just in case my mortal husband screws up my roof and food.

Even now, when I'm supposedly under the care of my parents, I don't go to them for problem-solving as often as I could.

So it doesn't really matter if my husband wanted a traditional or a modern marriage. Either way, like my life with and without my parents, I'd make sure it benefited me best.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030525

Friday, May 23, 2003

04:09 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

computers, teachers, and what to do

Cue soap opera music.

So he has taken my precious away, to change some cable or other. Apparently, the people I bought my computer from stuck an incorrect cable into my computer. Something like that.

He will be coming back tomorrow, hopefully.

I'm seriously hoping so, because I seriously need my precious. I got work still to do!

In the meantime, I'm in SS2, at an internet cafe. Intended to e-mail a file to my groupmate, only to realize that I forgot to put the aforesaid file online, so I can't e-mail it to her anyway....

Well, here's hoping I can get to a private computer some time and attach the file in my floppy disk onto an e-mail.

I was very impressed by how knowledgeable the Streamyx guy was. Makes me realize that despite dating a boy in computer science, my beloved's really not very useful when the computer's down. Smack him. Well, I admit he has other uses.

Though I think repairing a computer is a more practical and sensible skill than the weird, incomprehensible concepts of computer science. Then again, I'm sure he thinks I'm terrible for being in marketing.

It's ironic, how on Wednesday, my Consumer Behaviour teacher suggested I quit college, while today, after my group's Public Relations presentation got the highest marks in the class, my PR teacher suggested I major in Public Relations, as I'm really good at it. I do think that of the three subjects I'm taking, PR will be the only one with anything more than a mere pass.

I don't know what I want. Well, other than to find Magician in me.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030523

Thursday, May 22, 2003

11:25 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

ADD vs Breasts

"you know, i think you should really stop saying 'i'm ADD this, i'm ADD that.' come on, realize that you're more that that, lah."

Would there be any objection had I replaced my nouns? "Ahh, the benefits of being female." "Ahh, the benefits of being Malaysian." or "Ahh, the benefits of having big boobs."

ADD isn't a handicap. It's a way of thinking that's different from other people's, like the female way of thinking is different from the male way.

ADD people grasp and retain concepts super-faster than non-ADD people do. ADD people take more risks than non-ADD people. ADD people are the ultimate multi-taskers. ADD people perform under pressure better than non-ADD people do. This may not be the best way TO perform, but it is a generalized fact. ADD has a lot of benefits. Anyone will tell you that there are a lot of cons to being ADD, but it is not a handicap.

That idea is inaccurate. I am proud of being ADD, the way I'm proud of having big boobs. There a lot of cons to big breasts too. It's irritating to look for weird-sized bras. My breasts jiggle uncomfortably when I'm jumping up and down like a maniac. But I love them anyway. Call my boobs a handicap, and I'd laugh my head off.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030522a

Thursday, May 22, 2003

07:33 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Mommy and Me are Morbid

I wish, instead of resigning herself to her perceived fate, she'd take her health into her hands.

While we're into wishing, I'm sure she wishes I'd take my studies into my hands, instead of resigning myself to failure.

So maybe, I should make a bargain with her. Her health for my studies.

Maybe, I'll get around to doing that next semester.

This semester, I'm too busy. Presentation tomorrow! Report Monday! Exam the next Monday or Wednesday! And alas, Statistics has to come before Public Relations....

Well, I don't need to study PR all that much. I could just throw all my efforts into Statistics, then turn to Public Relations after Stats. There's like five days between the two, after all.

Ah, the benefits of being ADD. We're so good at last-minute studying....

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030522

Wednesday, May 21, 2003

10:56 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

I'll blog even when I'm not thinking

It is the end of a long, very productive day. I finished a Consumer Behaviour assignment and an entry of my Public Relations case study appendix. Tomorrow, will hopefully be another productive day. I intend to work on my next Consumer Behaviour assignment, as well as review the Public Relations case study with my groupmates for our presentation on Friday.

Although I'm writing a blog, tonight, I'm not really thinking. I'm too drained doing college-work, and all I want to do now is head to bed, and drain my head clear of thought.

I need to recharge for tomorrow.

Just a little reminder to myself, since I keep panicking over the sheer amount of work I have. Do your best. The only result that matters is that you tick off everything on your to-do list.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030521a

Wednesday, May 21, 2003

05:31 a.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

I'll control failure yet

I'm just so stressed and tensed. My body refuses to let go off the muscles long enough to relax into sleep.

So I'm very tired.

This is just lovely. I've forced myself to do work, I've forced myself to eat, so what do I do instead? I force myself to not sleep?

Will there ever be a time when I'm not sabotaging myself?

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030521

Tuesday, May 20, 2003

09:23 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Strength to Surrender

I am wondering how I'll survive.

I am wondering what I'll do if I fail, anyway, despite how hard I work now.

I am wondering how I'll fight stupid ideas like that.

I am wondering how I can be so bloody obsessive about college in this manner.

I am wondering if I'll ever break out of these cycles of thought that repeat over and over again, whenever I near the due dates of my college assignments.

I'm sure that for the next few days, and maybe the whole of these next four weeks, all I'll be blogging about is college, assignments, and exams.

I'm sure I'll bore the shit out of HANIfans with repetitive topics.

I can't help it. This is my biggest problem currently. This is the lesson I keep failing and repeating. Not even my bloody subjects and seminars, but conquering my fear of things I cannot control.

I hate the idea that I will pass or fail by some strange examiner I have never met and will never meet. It paralyzes me with fear, the lack of control I have over the outcome of my work.

Both my anorexia and my repeat failing stem from the same fear: an inability to control outcomes. So I take control by not doing something. I don't eat, and I don't show up for classes or do assignments or study. I cannot control my success, but I can control my failure.

I cannot let myself do this anymore. It is not acceptable. I have talents and capabilities that mean something, and the only thing holding me back is the fear of surrending to whatever outcome falls.

I cannot wonder about the outcome anymore. I must think only of what I must do.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030520