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Thursday, June 26, 2003

03:54 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Unarchived Entries Wanted

For the first time ever, a HANIfan unknown to me has requested for my unarchived entries!

This is very exciting to me. I'm not sure why.

I am however not sure what to do.... I'm somewhat paranoid that it might be family members trying to trap me into giving them the entries I don't want read.

Then again, I have enough entries that are archived, that if they read would cause them to murder me anyway, so asking for unarchived entries would be unnecessary....

Ignore me. I'm being terrified by Nina. She is very scary. Help! Her eyebrows are attacking me!

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030626

Wednesday, June 25, 2003

04:37 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

More Problems?

So why, instead, do I still feel stressed, upset and plain old worried?

Life just doesn't like letting up on a person. How many times must it happen to me before I remember that when you solve one problem, another one pounces on you before you've even filed away the previous problem?

I'm frustrated and I'm highly worried. Hostilities, secrets, lies, disagreements, conflicting demands and festering resentments: Am I just imagining things, or will I end up having lost at least one friend by the end of my so-called holiday?

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030625

Tuesday, June 24, 2003

11:19 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Exams Over

What's really nice is that I feel rather satisfied with myself. I actually studied and worked for my exams. I'd be the first to admit that I didn't do my best, but it's an improvement from last semester.

Here's hoping that I'll improve again next semester.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030624a

Tuesday, June 24, 2003

03:24 a.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

I still miss SlimFast

The author has not been clinicially diagnosed as anorexic, merely a person with very bad eating habits. [June 25, 2003]

As said in disclaimer, this entry, like all others on this website, was written with very little thought. No insult or belittlement was intended to true sufferers of eating disorders.

I was eighteen, nearing nineteen. That was just four years ago. I was holding an American large-size of McDonald's french fries. I was holding those fries, staring at them, like they would disappear if I blinked. It was something like five in the evening sometime in spring. And all I had eaten since the night before was one fry, just minutes after I bought the damned fries.

I stood there, staring at the fries, my stomach growling like mad, and I was thinking, You have the willpower to sit and stare at the fries, and not eat them.

I sat there, battling my own body and my own mind, seeking proof that I had control over something.

That was the moment I realized that although I had never been interested in dieting or slimming down, I had become anorexic. It wasn't about looking good, but about gaining control.

I ate one more fry, and I threw the rest away. I wasn't consistently anorexic. I ate less than others, but on some days, I ate less than on other days. There were days when I had two meals a day, but I remember living on SlimFast for a while, because I couldn't stand the idea of food. I considered it a generous compromise to give my body some nutrients, rather than none at all.

Sometimes I think I might have imagined it all. The refusal to eat, just because I could. The high of hunger. The hatred of people asking me my "secret to staying slim." I dropped from 34DD down to a 32C at one point. It was a bit freaky, since I hadn't been a C cup since I was fourteen.

Sometimes, I think that maybe I never had anorexia. It's just me being too lazy to eat. It's just me avoiding food because I have ulcers in my mouth. It's just that hunger sharpens the brain and helps me think....

Then again, watching a friend start doing the same things I did makes me sigh in exasperation. She lies through her teeth and thinks I can't see the signs?

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030624

Monday, June 23, 2003

03:45 a.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Sheepishly: More Sex

Sugababes - Overload

I've really been attempting to study.

I just find it difficult to concentrate....

Firstly, I study on my bed. I think this is most likely a bad idea. Unfortunately, Mom is obsessed with chandelier lights, and the only other places where I could actually see the book would be in front of the computer (uh-huh, yeah right) and in the bathrooms....

So my bedroom it is. Where I don't have a study table, so my bed it is.

Second problem is that I'm ovulating! I hate ovulating. It's hell. My tummy hurts from the amount of masturbation I've done.

I know, I'm talking about sex again....

I can't help it! I'm bloody ovulating! Stupid physical urges to procreate!

So, excessive horniness combined with studying on bed, cause serious distractions from studying. There goes my dreams of High Distinctions for Public Relations.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030623

Sunday, June 22, 2003

08:46 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

How I Feel about My Blog

So I figured that even if we might lose each other's e-mail addresses, they could google me and find my blog, right here, and find out what's going on.

Once, my blog was for my loved ones.

Then, two events happen. First, I met Aiz. I still remember sitting at his office desk, blushing like mad, because both he and the girl he was talking to online were praising my website effusively. Second, a specific person linked a specific blog entry, and my hits went up, and people were making a huge fuss over my sexual life. Suddenly, from just a friend writing to friends, I was a website entertaining strangers.

Says a friend:

"I had to stop by the Research Room to pick up some friends for dinner and at one of the computer terminals, the screen was displaying the (now evidently) really popular local blog, Hani's Honey. Okay, so this probably isn't mind-blowing or earth-shattering, but it's like...Wooo, a fella who hangs out in the same room is actually reading the same blog I read."

I don't really know why I suddenly shot to "fame." I could list all the reasons why I think my blog's nothing special, but I grew up believing that pointing out your flaws only point out your flaws to people who never saw them until you highlighted them.

I feel like I've been hosting a year-long open-house party. It's been awesome. I've met so many people, who've praised my hosting abilities, and encouraged me in various endeavours. They've made me feel very welcome and that I belong with the blogosphere.

Sometimes, though, I feel overwhelmed. Who are all these people in my house? Why are they at my little get-together? What's so interesting about me?

I still can't figure out what I want to do next. It's driving me mad. I really should be concentrating on my Public Relations exam, but since I know I'll pass that one for sure, I just keep going back to trying to figure out where I'm going. I feel like I'm driving in a car, trying to find my route on the map, but unable to find it because I'm not even sure of my destination!

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030622

Saturday, June 21, 2003

04:58 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

New About Page

Then, I realized that I'd been sitting on it for months, when it could have been up here for all that time. I don't have time right now to finish up those additional about pages, but you guys can still enjoy what I've got.

So feel free to check out the new About Page.

At this rate I'll never close down the Shrine of Honesty of Sorts.... I still have no idea what to replace it with!

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030621

Friday, June 20, 2003

07:17 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

The Price of Reality

Explained to me, apparently I speak extremely honestly, and that makes my blog very real.

I've been running through my archives, and I wonder what my family would think if they read the stuff I've said about them. I wonder how many friends distance themselves from me because they know they might end up finding five minutes of unwanted fame on my blog. I wonder, if I keep going just blurting things out, what the cost is to me and the people I love?

So many people tell me how much they admire me for how honest I am on my blog. I wonder how many more people are there who never bother to tell me how stupid I am?

Whenever Adik and I used to watch Real World on MTV, Mom would always start babbling about how stupid Americans are to go up in public to show exactly how stupid they are. It's not an Asian thing, to set up a Jerry Springer show and babble about everything shameful and stupid you do.

"Face," as they call it.

It would seem, I have none: no shame, no decency.

What am I doing? Most of all, what does my "realness" do to those I speak about? It's one thing to bare myself, but what of the other people I bare, from my biased viewpoint?

I have no wish for other people to be hurt by what I do. Unfortunately, too often, what I write on this blog is thoughtless, without regard to its consequences. Though I place a disclaimer, it's a stupid one.

Oops, I said something disgusting about you, now you're embarrassed and hurt; I'm sorry, I didn't mean to; read my disclaimer!

So many people read my blog, "reveling" in my honesty. They enjoy it. They know that they will never have to pay the price for my loose tongue. It's people I love, people who know me, who trust me, who are in danger from me.

I love blogging. I could never stop blogging.

But it remains to be seen, how "real" I can keep it.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030620