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Disclaimer - Everything on this website is done pretty much without thinking. Any offence or mental disturbance resulted in interacting with this website and its author is completely unintentional and sadly regretted.

Bloggers' Meet!

Wednesday, July 2, 2003

07:04 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Bad Events are Good Memories

I remember in my earlier teenage years, wondering if I was weird for not crushing on any male.

I had my first crush when I was seventeen. Unfortunately, I had the bad taste to crush on Carlos, the school weirdo. Worse, convinced that I was the one to turn him around, I told the biggest gossips of school, that I had a crush on him. Worst of all, Carlos lost interest in me in less than a month.

It was terribly, terribly embarrassing and humiliating. Worse than being unremembered, is being remembered as that weird girl who had a crush on Carlos, the weirdo schmuck.

From that moment on, I've made a fool of myself over men several times. Like on my blog, I never learnt discretion. When I got interested in a guy, I chased after him. I didn't hide it, I didn't play coy. I just went after him.

I have told many stories of my conquests on this blog, but I rarely speak of the humiliating, embarrassing, depressing feelings of rejection. HANI has and will always be an amusing source of events that never happen to other people because other people would never do (or at least say) the things that HANI does....

I prefer to think as little as possible, of the things I did that make me wince today. Yet, if not for the fact that I keep setting myself up for humiliating, embarrassing, public rejections, I would not be in the happy relationship I am in now.

There's so much pain, when after you've made obvious to another person that you're interested, they tell you that they're not interested back. Worse are the bastards who don't even give you a reason for the lack of interest, leaving you to wonder what the hell is wrong with you.

Yet, it's only temporary pain. There's always another man, there's always another crowd, and hell, there's always another fool with a newer humiliating story that everyone else is more interested in than your old story. All the embarrassment I've felt gets put at the back of my mind, but all the fun I've had, throwing myself at various men....

Now all that I pull out to enjoy often. If I had played it safe all these years, and never told a single man that I appreciated his butt, or his tongue-stud, I'd never have been humiliated. Yet, I'd never have the awesome memories in my memories. I would have never known what it's like to kiss a man with a tongue-piercing, or to tease a man until he can't walk.

Ahh, if I had to go back to those days (God forbid), knowing what I know now of how precious memories are, I'd do them all over again, and I'd chase a few more too.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030702

Tuesday, July 1, 2003

09:18 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

There is Purpose in Madness

Have been internally driving myself crazy by the lack of purpose.

I have no purpose. It drives me mad.

I know there are people out there who live from day to day happily without knowing where they want to reach at the end of the journey, but I've never been that sort.

Admittedly, my goals and purposes have changed a million times over the years, and they're about as concrete as a tornado, but I've always had them!

So now, I find myself aimless and I'm going mad.

I'm not permanently aimless, as number one goal is to do better next semester in college, but until college starts, I'm going to be mad as a hatter.

So, I've been unable to work on my blog, because I'm feeling psycho about it. I've been pestering all my friends and annoying my boyfriend, to distract myself from my strange madness. I haven't even read a single romance novel since exams were over.

This is a sure sign of madness on HANI's part.

I have picked up my abandoned cross-stitching project. This is a joy. The poppy I'm making is turning out quite pretty. I'm good at cross-stitching. Never mind that if I wasn't feeling so aimless, I'd be cursing the cross-stitching for endless boredom.

I feel so freaky. I really need to get to work on the blog.... I just don't know what blog I'm going to do!

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030701

Monday, June 30, 2003

10:30 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Caffeine is Dangerous

A friend needed a ridiculous question for a university assignment. So I suggested the question below. I think any old-timer law graduate of Universiti Malaya might recognize it. I'm not sure if they still use that question for moots and mock debates.

Should cows wear bras?

My caffeine-induced answer:
"I believe that cows should NOT wear bras.

"Cows are the females of an inferior race. That is why they are imprisoned in their barn-camps, branded, every second of their lives dictated, and they are made to work like cattle--oh wait. they are cattle.

"Well, they are disgusting animals that if let loose and given the same rights of superior beings like humans, they would trample all over us and be ungrateful. They do not have our moral superiority and would destroy our planet with their inferior, disgusting habits.

"Bras would give these cows ideas that they deserve rights equalling to humans. These would be unacceptable, because, clearly, they are inferior. Bras would increase their sexual urges and make them morally corrupt. They would then mate with any bull, instead of the bulls we choose to mate them with. They would rebel and attempt to subjugate us, the superior species.

"This is why cows should not wear bras. In fact, the chains on their collars should be shorter! Cover up their pastures too, so superior beings don't have to be exposed to the disgusting bulls....

"The world must be protected from the inferiority of cattle by imposing strict regimentation on the aforementioned race."

Note: I refuse to stand behind or anywhere remotely near the statements I make that mention or refer to cows.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030630a

Monday, June 30, 2003

10:05 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Friends! More Friends!

While last week, I was afraid I was gonna lose friends, this week, I met up with lots of friends I haven't seen in months!

Went out twice with Yu San, clubbing with JQ, ate lunch with Maz, hung out three times with Fabian, and today, met up with Boonie! Tried calling Janta, but I only got her cellphone.

I really need to put more effort into keeping in touch with my friends. Relationships need work. They're mutable and without a strong foundation, can easily fall apart.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030630

Sunday, June 29, 2003

10:37 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

a common rant

I'm tired.

One, I was clubbing last night, and after a month of exams, I'm rather out of shape.

Two, Mom gave me the "don't-do-this, don't-do-that, because-the-world-isn't-safe" lecture.

I like dressing for myself, and it pisses me off to dress for the fucking rapists. I don't care that you say it's so that rapists don't get interested in me, the point is that I'm still dressing for the stupid asses who think they can get away with forcing women. In a way, they've already forced me.

They've forced me to be dependent on group activities, on male protection, on "decent" dressing, on carpark avoidance, and on staying home at night. Most annoyingly, my mother thinks I don't realize that the danger could touch me.

It's not that I don't realize that I could get hurt. It's that I get so mad at the idea that the motherfuckers who deserve to be in jail roam free, while I'm a prisoner of fear.

Mom doesn't want me to die before she does. Other people love me. So I have to let stupid-ass criminals dictate what I do.

I hate it. This is not the way it should be. It's not me who should be imprisoned. It should be the motherfuckers who harm women and break the law.

Instead of wasting resources limiting piracy, could we spend a little more time and money limiting violence against women, making it safe for us to be free?

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030629a

Sunday, June 29, 2003

12:21 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

more humorous conversations

After clubbing, JQ and Yu San slept over at my house last night.

Yu San decided to sleep with Yoda. When asked how he was in bed, said Yu San: "He's cuddly, but short."

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030629

Saturday, June 28, 2003

01:06 a.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

ICQ conversation with boyfriend

HANI : haik. kiss. adore you

Tariq : why?

HANI : because you are my hero.

Tariq : in what way?

HANI : you save me. from myself.

Tariq : that's so descriptive :)

HANI : you don't let me hate myself. you don't let me starve. you don't let me dehydrate. you don't let me suffer period cramps alone. you don't let me destroy relationships with my pms.

Tariq : how does the last one work? :)

HANI : well, I beat you up, so I don't beat other people up :)

Tariq : GOOSE.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030628

Friday, June 27, 2003

06:46 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

No Life, No Blogging

There are days when nothing happens, and I spend all day bored out of my head, alternating between watching Nickelodeon and reading other people's blogs. On those days, I get bored, listless, and worse, insecure.

I have nothing to do; I'm useless; no one cares about me; I'm incapable of doing anything. When I'm beating myself up, I get to thinking that I should just delete my blog and reformat My Webs folder. Why bother with a representation of me when I hate myself?

Then, there are the days when I have so much happening in my life, that it doesn't occur to me to beat myself up. My head keeps thinking, I so need to blog that!

I like being productive, doing things, and events happening. I like blogging about those things. The more things happen, the more I want to blog. The less things happen, the less I want to blog.

Let's hope I never get so boring and pointless a day, that I actually e-mail pitas to delete everything....

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030627

Thursday, June 26, 2003

11:31 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Meet Me!

I bumped into Aiz as I entered KLCC from the LRT station, today. He was looking extremely good in a brilliant blue shirt. He looks better in blue than in red.

I had to head to an office on Jalan Pinang before the office closed. It was already nearing five thirty so all I said to him was something like, "Hello! How are you? See you later!" and I marched off.

I shall pester him until he's sick of me, later on the 5th of July. Bloggers' meet on that day! Various bloggers will be showing up at KLCC's Dome at ten in the morning. I'm really looking forward to that.

I love meeting new people. It's like reading other people's blogs, but better, because you don't just see words, but the unspoken communication. The way they dress, the way they stand, the accents they speak. I like learning about people. They're fascinating.

Furthermore, I like meeting new people, simply because I'm more interested in forming an opinion about them, than of them forming an opinion about me. As in, if I meet my friends or family members, I worry what they think of me. But I don't care what strangers think of me. If they like me, that's awesome. If they don't, it's no skin off my back. If my family doesn't like me, I'd be in deep shit! So it's good to meet new people.

So everybody, please come! I want to meet you! You want to meet me! I know you do! 5th July, Saturday, 10a.m. Dome, KLCC!

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030626a