Monday, July 14, 2003

04:39 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Lepas Geram (Tension-Release)

Sunday was a horrible, miserable, I'm-only-smiling-happily-because-the-minute-I-stop-I'll-burst-into-tears day.

There was no one thing that was bad. You know those days when you can't pin-point exactly what's so horrible about the day?

Except that the landline had no dial tone, denying me my plans to work on my new blog online, the lack of communication from my boyfriend in London, the lack of activity around the house that stimulates the mind, especially when one desperately wanted to work on the new blog, and the lack of desire to do anything physically active after two nights of clubbing.

Maybe after being so high for the past two days, an ordinary day just feels like falling down really hard.

I watched Bolehwood last night, the way the rest of the day felt like. I laughed so hard, afraid I would just bloody cry.

An appropriate end to the day.

Except that it doesn't seem to have ended.

Because this morning, we have more things to cry about. My boyfriend failed to give me the wake-up call he promised because he lost track of time, playing computer games. I'm told I now have at least two holes in my left eardrum, despite going through nasty, horrible operation to patch stupid hole in eardrum. Final exam results are coming out on the 17th, and I'm sure I failed at least one subject, if not two. I have to wade through over thirty e-mails due to being unable to go online yesterday, and I find that while I was forced away, I hurt lovely, sweet, wonderful, smart, smiling Meesh without even meaning to.

Ahh, at least my body's still aching, telling me I had a damned good time on the weekend.

And I managed to finally get online....

Will it last? Somebody fuck Telekom and force it to last, damn it! I need my net! Bad things happen to me when I don't get online!

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030714

Sunday, July 13, 2003

05:01 a.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Two Signs of Clubbing Fate

First, I had merely thirty ringgit to my name. Then I suddenly recalled that Kak Mi owed me another thirty ringgit, and I had enough money to club. On the tight side, but acceptable.

Second, when I asked my Akak for suggestions on where to club, she informed me that Groovedoctor, the godfather of Malaysian house, was playing at Nouvo tonight, and that she was going.

So JQ and I tagged along with her, and we all chipped in for JQ's cover charge, since Akak and I were on the guestlist. Ten ringgit each of us. Then Akak's friends bought bottles, so we drank for free all night.

Groovedoctor plays the best music. I stood on my little podium and stayed up there all night. Didn't come down at all.

When you're meant to go clubbing, you don't fight it.

I just wish I had known that Groovedoctor was playing earlier! Then I could have had more time to arrange for more friends to join me.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030713

Saturday, July 12, 2003

06:20 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Punishing Partying

Madonna - More

So JQ calls, and invites me out tonight. I've already been out last night. I have little money left. I've abused my body quite well already.

Yet, you know what my reaction was?

Hell, yes!

I'm mad. I'm not sure where I'm gonna find the money for it. Or the energy.

I'm so dehydrated, despite drinking water non-stop today, I still feel nauseous.

Yet I can't stop. I don't want to stop.

I think I'm gripped in temporary insanity.

I just want more.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030712a

Saturday, July 12, 2003

03:58 a.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

More Men Please!

So, okay, most of the conversation I had tonight was with Ash and Khalil. But it was so good.

I could actually talk, using my usual level of English, instead of carefully choosing my words so that people with mental levels of nine-year-olds could understand me.

I had so much fun. Dancing and discourse. My two favourite activities!

Male friends are good. I've been surrounding myself with female friends since I left New York. Mostly because most of my friends are from my old all-girls' secondary school. There's just something different about hanging out with guys from hanging out with girls. I can't put my finger on it right now. Have misplaced my brain.

Right. They treat you nicer. Hee hee. As the girl, you get to order the coffee first, get helped when you trip over your three-inch high-heel shoes, feel safer when all the other men stare at you, and there's all that light flirtation that's so fun!

It was a new experience, clubbing with guys that weren't my Akak's friends. Being surrounded by three guy friends is awesome! Only one stranger dared to pinch my butt, and no one else dared to approach and bother my enjoyment of dancing. Yet the guys didn't attempt to dictate where I should go and what I should be doing, like Akak's friends would do! So I got the good part without the bad! Very nice.

Ash and Khalil were soooo nice to me! I sound like a bimbo tonight. Chalk it up to the missing brain. You can bet, however, that I would love to call these gentlemen friends of mine.

Thanks for making it such an awesome night for me, guys!

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030712

Friday, July 11, 2003

11:56 a.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Sleep Rush

For some reason, I kept waking up every hour or two hours, throughout the whole night.

So I finally gave up trying to sleep.

But I feel like I have a hangover.

Man, I wish I had had a good night's sleep.

Friday is such a busy day....

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030711

Thursday, July 10, 2003

11:37 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Outward, not Inward

I had written one and a half paragraphs, only to realize that I don't want to tell my story.

A year of thoughts and feelings I've poured onto this website. Most of it is still there for you to read, enjoy and ponder. This is another one.

I don't really want to sit here and focus about what's in my head. I don't want to look back, ponder it and find a lesson to learn from it. I don't want to pick at my feelings and analyze the reasons and the sources for them.

I want to do something. I want to look outward. I want to touch, change, and make things. So many years, I spent learning about myself. I focused on accepting the parts of me I couldn't change, and improving the parts of me that could be. Now, I feel ready to begin learning about the world. I will spend much time improving myself still, but I feel that I've changed enough to at least make a small step to change and improve the world.

So, I could sit here and babble about clubbing and how it's affected me.

I'd rather work on my new blog.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030710a

Thursday, July 10, 2003

12:16 a.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

The Online Return of Tariq

My analysis of his picture:

The haircut is well done. He chose his hair-dresser pretty well, from what I can see. His hair also has body and shine, which tells me that he is following my instructions in hair-care regimen.

His face is clear of pimples. This tells me that he has been washing his face properly and regularly.

He shaved! He's not leaving his beard to grow haphazardly, and he's not shaving it all off. This tells me that he is currently mentally stable.

He seems to have gained weight, which is good, as he was getting much too skinny for my taste. A man should have some meat on him to hug. Then again, it could just be the t-shirt. It is horizontally striped.

On the whole, the pictures he has sent to me implies that he is doing well, and has found emotional balance.

So on top of being ecstatic and being able to see the latest picture of my beloved, I am delighted that he is at least content, if not happy.

He has promised to blog once he's installed all his software and what-not.

I'm happy! Happy, happy, happy!!

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030710

Wednesday, July 9, 2003

06:12 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

The Battle to Blog

White Stripes - Seven Nation Army

There are days, like yesterday, when the words just flow out.

Then, there are days like today, where words feel like a struggle in my head.

There's just not a thing I want to say.

Yet there're a thousand words in my head.

So, I feel like there's a little struggle in my head.

Doesn't help that I've been having a migraine since last night.

So, honestly, the only words that flow out today is just to tell everybody to go to hell.

We'll see you tomorrow, hopefully, in a better mood.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030709

Tuesday, July 8, 2003

11:37 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Blogging Scared

I haven't started a single thing.

Because I'm scared.

In my days of confusion and misery, The Shrine of Honesty of Sorts was there to comfort me, to help me, to give me something to focus on. It was the stable anchor to my ship in the middle of a torrid and nasty storm.

It's seen me through fights with friends, the near-destruction of my relationship with Tariq, my uncertain relationship with my father, my isolation from my family, my educational screw-ups. It has records of the things that made me laugh, and the things that made me cry.

The Shrine of Honesty of Sorts has been a friend when my screwed-up head didn't feel worthy of having friends.

Now, I intend to kill it.

I'm nearly crying with the fear. I'm like a man afraid to leave his little boat, even though he's reached land, because the boat is all he's known.

I need to end the Shrine of Honesty of Sorts. Its purpose is over. So many of my blog entries since my final exams have been out of duty and habit, instead of love and passion.

Yet, I'm so scared to start on my new blog. It is unfamiliar and risky. It has yet to give me the rewards that the Shrine has given me over the past year. What will happen to HANI's Honey? What will happen to me?

I don't know what will happen, and the Unknown is terrifying. I would rather sit on my little boat for as long as possible, rather than risk exploring the land before me, filled with possibilities that could lose me everything I have gained.

But if I don't move on and leave my boat, my boat would eventually rot beneath me and sink me into the sea. I would be left with nothing anyway.

So I must begin my plans for a new HANI's Honey, regardless of how scared I am, and of how fond I am of the Shrine of Honesty of Sorts. To do anything else is to fail myself and to fail the Shrine of Honesty of Sorts.

Bloody hell, I'm still scared anyway!

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030708a