Wednesday, July 23, 2003

06:34 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

I Can Only Hate What I Love

Yet, sometimes, he does things that irritate me, and I get angry out of proportion.

Then I also know that my hatred for him is as strong as my love for him, and I wonder when it will ever fade away.

It's so deep inside, the anger and the resentment, that most of the time, I just don't feel it.

After all, he's so patient and caring. He likes to give out extra money, and buy my Indomee and Honey Stars. He cleans up my mess before I even see it. He bothers to read through my textbook and figure out my Business Statistics questions with me. He doesn't like how I dress, nor the things I spend my money on, but he refuses to grumble about it.

I love him so much. He has his good points. He's done his best to make up for the past.

So why do I still resent and feel angry? Why don't I show him a little more respect? Why do I ignore him as long as I can get away with it?

The negative feelings I have for him, I bury so deep, that sometimes I think they're gone. Yet they always resurface.

And sometimes, they surface over to Tariq, who has never done anything wrong to me. My poor boy gets the heat that I never show to anyone else.

Surely, my anger and resentment will eventually disappear. It poisons me. I don't know how to let go of it.

I can't forget that he made everyone cry. I can't forget the tears and screams. I can't seem to forgive that he is all too human.

Yet, that is all he is. A human being. He made mistakes, and he's done his best to rectify them.

Surely it is wrong that I hate him still? Why can't I trust him still? It's been years, and he's improved and changed. He deserves better from me.

I hate him. I mistrust him. I resent him. I hope one day, all that will go away. Until then, I guess both of us will have to be content with the fact that I've always loved him, and I always will.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030723

Tuesday, July 22, 2003

04:16 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Whining Lonely

I thought I'd be at a complete loss. My best friend at college had already left for Australia.

Not that she's my best friend, but she was the best friend I got at college.

So she's gone, and everybody else....

My problem was that every single friend I made would actually move up, while I would fail my whole semesters and repeat classes, instead of following the friends I've already made.

Sure, I could keep in touch with the friends I had made, but truth be told, it was just too embarrassing. I didn't want to hear them discuss classes that were beyond my understanding, and projects I couldn't be involved in.

Anyway, I have many college acquaintances, but few friends. I'm like one those people who've been around college forever, so everybody knows me.... It's a little depressing thinking about it.

But more and more, the longer I stay, the fewer people know me. More and more people leave for Australia, and more and more newbies come in. You see all these baby faces thinking they rule the world, and it just makes me feel tired at the thought of explaining to them over and over again why the hell I'm in my second year for the second year.

But then I bumped into this guy, who was pleased to hear that my whole holiday consisted of a lot of clubbing. He asked for my number. Yay. An actual friend whose phone number I know and can call!

Yeah, I'm desperate.

I'm just so tired of making friends who go off to Australia....

And they never keep in touch. Hint! Hint! (Any lurking Aussie HANIfans?)

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030722

Monday, July 21, 2003

10:47 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Usual Nerves

Now, it's the end of my holiday, and I'm going mad with nervousness and stress once more.

I've gotten used to nothing to do and socializing!

So I'm nervous. I'm nervous that I'll screw up again. I'm nervous that parents will put the pressure on again and make me feel miserable. I'm nervous that I'll have problems balancing new friends and new ambitions.

Well, nerves are good.

I'm still looking forward to going back to college.

Never mind that I wonder if I'll ever actually find friends that I can keep in college....

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030721a

Monday, July 21, 2003

10:12 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Flexible Discipline

College begins once more tomorrow.

Here are the rules:

1. One weekend night outing only, each week.
2. Half a weekend day outing only, each week.
3. No outings whatsoever on weekdays.

But what Mom doesn't know doesn't hurt her....

So we'll go to college and go on outings from college.

Definitely no weeknight outings.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030721

Saturday, July 19, 2003

09:31 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Being Friendly

Last night, Sharizal has promised to loan me Susan Cooper's The Dark is Rising Sequence.

And I finally had my chat with Irene today!

So now I'm really tired and sleepy, and I need coffee!

Which is why today's blog post is really pathetic.

The disadvantage of being active within the Malaysian blogging community is that they tire you with too much laughing....

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030719

Friday, July 18, 2003

07:24 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Attacking Trolls

They abuse my commenting feature, put stupid names, leave out e-mail addresses and URLs, and use really poor English.

They build, contribute, and make nothing themselves, but they still think they have the right to tear down what others do and are.

I read their words and all I can think is that I'm so sorry that the genuinely decent people who come to my blog to comment, supporting, contributing, and doing positive things with their lives, have to tolerate such crap to enjoy the little I offer.

I'm not talking of people who disagree with my opinions, or are seeking to improve my morally confused life. I'm talking of the people who use anonymity to do ugly, negative, destructive activities. I'm talking of people who watch people put sweat and heart into building something, then attempt to tear up what was built, with minimum effort and consequence to themselves.

Trolls, you cannot destroy what I have built, nourished, and toiled for with poorly constructed, anonymous words. It only takes a few seconds to click on my comment box, and write your mean, petty sentence. It took me two years to make HANI's Honey as established as it is. People will remember me. They will never remember you.

If you disagree with me, if you dislike what I stand for, then do something positive with your opinions. Build, affect, and change your world in some way, for the better. Then, even though we may always be adversaries, I would at least respect you.

Now, I can't help wondering, based on the bad English most of you have displayed....

Will you even understand this post? Can I recommend a dictionary?

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030718

Thursday, July 17, 2003

12:19 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

I Failed a Subject

So getting a credit for Statistics instead, was more than I anticipated, and I was pleased.

I wasn't sure if my parents would be pleased though. I failed a subject, after all.

Never mind that I did work harder this semester than I've done since my first semester back in Malaysia. Never mind that I improved in my mental battles against my irrational fears. Never mind that mistakes are bound to be made when one is rusty at actually studying.

I just wasn't sure how my parents would react to my failed subject. Isn't a failure still a failure?

They might still get mad at me.

But Mom called this morning. (She has to call me to get through to me in the morning. I barricade my bed like a fortress until I wake up.)

She said, "Congratulations!"

Okay. So I have reasonable, intelligent parents. That's always good.

So I breathe a sigh of relief. I'll be surviving the rest of my life after all.

I might even get more credits and distinctions next semester.

Because in gratitude for supportive and understanding parents, I'm gonna work my hardest, I am!

But if I break out in pimples and ulcers again, I'll be taking it out on HANIfans. So watch out!

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030717a

Thursday, July 17, 2003

01:23 a.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Bulk is Better

Tariq : so, I'm fat, is it?

HANI : actually, you're still a little skinny. could do with a bit more muscle.

Tariq : thank you.

HANI : but will settle for more fat.

Tariq : kiss.

HANI : but muscle better. bite :D

Tariq : of course.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030717

Wednesday, July 16, 2003

11:17 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

For My Own Entertainment

Certainly, I would never force anyone to read about the plots of the three romance novels I read today.

That would bore even me.

So I seek what little there is in my head, and squeeze it into some form of drama to entertain myself on my blog.

My life is sooo boring right now.

Maybe some people would rather read about the boring parts of my life.

But writing about such things would bore me.

And bloody hell, today, I really can't find anything that I wouldn't find just completely tedious to blog about.

No offense meant to the fabulous man I went out with today, but I prefer not to blog about my friends, especially the Fabulous, who values his privacy.

So here's what little drama I could squeeze out of today. And hey! It's entertained me. So that's cool.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030716a

Wednesday, July 16, 2003

01:01 a.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Organizing Friends

For so many years, I've been contented to just stick with the friends I already have.

I have no problem talking to strangers, but I never bothered to further relationships with them until they became friends. The only new friends I made were merely friends of people who were already friends.

Call me really lazy?

Now, I've got a new bunch of friends, that I made all by myself, and I feel a bit confused.

Just a teeny bit. I remember how making new friends is like, after all.

I'm just a teensy bit out of practice.

Maybe just a tad overwhelmed too. Erm, how do you keep track of so many people?

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030716

Tuesday, July 15, 2003

01:55 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Telling My Man the Truth

"How could you tell him the truth? Are you crazy?"

I get that a lot.

Quite a few people I know seem to think that it's perfectly acceptable, even necessary, to lie to the person they love most, for the sake of "protecting" him.

Don't tell him when you've misbehaved. Don't tell him when you have a crush on another man. Don't tell him when you've done something he disapproves of. Don't tell him when you pick your nose or when you haven't showered for a week. Don't tell him that you're a human being with faults and flaws.

How can any woman stand to stay in a relationship where she is not loved for who she really is?

Call me crazy for speaking my mind to Tariq, if you must.

I know he loves me. The killer queen-wannabe who boasts to her bf about how many men tried to pick her up today. The annoying brat who demands presents and money everyday. The miserable woman who can't control her PMS.

Telling the truth is scary and difficult. There have been times when we've been so close to breaking up. We've revealed disgusting, nasty little secrets to each other. But what fails to break us up has made the relationship stronger. Revealing difficult truths has made me feel truly, really loved.

I know that Tariq loves the real me, and not the illusion. I love him the same way, and though there are days when I fail to be all he needs me to be, at least he has all the information to make the choice of sticking with me, or finding someone else who can treat him better than I do.

I'd rather that he dump me than let him love a lie.

I love him that much, and I trust him to make a decision that is best for both of us.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030715