Tuesday, August 19, 2003

08:55 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

InCredible Opinions

I don't know if any of you noticed, but I avoid typing out any opinions involving society, religion and politics, for longer than three short paragraphs.

There was a time when I was very shy in expressing my viewpoint. Aiz just blogged about shutting your mouth to appear less stupid. That was how I used to think.

Then, when you go to America, and you find all sorts of idiots expressing all sorts of stupid opinions with no shame, you start enjoying playing devil's advocate in philosophy class and you pick the hardest, weirdest, most controversial stand to support and argue for. Just because it's fun. Just because you don't worry about looking stupid anymore. Just because you learn so much more from other people when you dare to admit to being an idiot.

So you now dare to speak out. You speak out outrageous opinions that shock, that frighten, that make people concerned. You claim you adore Kierkegaard, you get an urge to strangle Rousseau, and you roll your eyes at Socrates. You tell everybody what you're thinking. You're not afraid to insult, nor to compliment. Yet, despite all the words you spout, you still refuse to speak out your personal opinions.

And I also refuse to speak out why. But maybe, I might take a baby step and admit that I still feel afraid to look stupid, now and then.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030819

Monday, August 18, 2003

06:28 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

When friends tell you to dump him

Tariq's still a bit bitter about that....

I don't know if it's because he's changed, or no one wants to criticize my boy to my face, but I rarely hear anything negative about him anymore.

When people tell you they don't like the man you adore, you should never dismiss their statements. But you need to check if their gripes about your man are relevant and important to you.

Do listen if they say he's a liar and a cheat. Dump people who are not trustworthy.

If they insist he's spooky and weird, and would stalk all sorts of girls, but when pressed, will admit that he's honest and caring, just grin and say, "I love it when he stalks me."

Then they'll tell you that you're spooky and weird, and you won't hear them insulting your boyfriend anymore. I don't guarantee that they won't insult you.

The question remains....

Do people actually now like my boy, or are they just not complaining to me?

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030818

Sunday, August 17, 2003

06:31 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Not Needing My Mother

Mom escorted me all the way to the door of my class. There were quite a few kids inside already. There were also a row of parents outside the class, talking to their kiddies through the window. They brought umbrellas, flasks of water, and containers of food. They looked like they were going to camp there for the rest of the day.

Mom just looked me in the eye, and said, "Okay, Mommy's gonna go to work now. You'll be completely fine, and you won't need Mommy."

"Okay," I said in my seven-year-old confidence. I had no reason to doubt my mother's statement. If she said I wouldn't need her, it meant that I wouldn't need her. I walked into class without even hugging her.

While tons of kiddies had to actually spend time reassuring their parents, I spent the day chasing after and beating up irritating male classmates. I still remember my teacher denying my request to be class monitor because I beat up the boys in my class with my umbrella.

I've always been grateful to my mother for giving me the freedom and independence to take care of myself. I've actually met people my age, who are still too scared to leave home without their parents dropping them off and picking them up. They lack the priceless confidence of having survival skills, of knowing that they can cope by themselves, when things turn bad.

So Mom runs around doing her own thing, and I run around doing my own thing. She says I can be a bricklayer if I want to as long as I get my degree first. I tell her she's never allowed to retire because she'd end up demanding all her children to give up their free time to entertain her.

I don't really need my Mommy anymore, and that's a gift that she gave me. Should anything ever happen to her, I know I'll survive. Yet I definitely want her around. I especially enjoy it when she takes me and me alone to eat at a Japanese restaurant for Sunday lunch.

I think I should gloat to my siblings now....

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030817a

Sunday, August 17, 2003

12:44 a.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Rejecting Sexual Offers

I know that there are people out there who think you shouldn't flirt unless you're available and actually interested in dating the person you're flirting with. Me, I don't really know how to have a conversation that doesn't involve flirting.

Well, more honestly, I don't feel comfortable in a social setting unless I'm flirting at least slightly. I flirt with both genders, and I flirt as much as the other party flirts back. It's automatic.

So, it sucks that without meaning to, I can be leading other people on.

I could stop flirting, perhaps, but it's not only a difficult habit to break. There's no fun in doing that....

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030817

Friday, August 15, 2003

01:55 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

My Oddest Mood

Most people would consider me as fortunate. I have a loving and supportive family, I have brains, I have looks, I have money, I have a boyfriend who loves me.

There are occasions when I whine. I like whining about petty things. I'm not even sure why. Possibly, it is a bad habit. Yet, I have worse habits that I'm attempting to fix, so we'll ignore the minor ones until the major problems are worked out.

Ah, life is so easy for me compared to others. I feel so grateful and happy for it. I used to fear that, being on top, someday I'll fall down really hard, miserably and painfully. Experience has shown me, however, that everything is a cycle, and misery lasts about as long as happiness does.

So I prefer to be happy when I can be, and let misery hit me whenever it has to. Yet there are moments when I just plain feel guilty for being fortunate.

I've had opportunites others haven't. I've had dreams fulfilled. I have many, many good things in my life, when there are others who have much less. I believe that you play the cards you've been dealt. There were those who were poor, who became rich, and there were those who were rich, who became poor. I believe that you have control of yourself and your level of happiness. Usually, I refuse to feel any pity for anyone for the reasons above.

Yet, there are moments, when I feel like I have to apologize for my good fortune. I know I've done little to deserve it and I have no clue why I have been given the luck that I have.

I like to think that the world makes sense in the long run. Though I don't know why I've been so blessed in life, I hope that I'll be able to pay it forward some day.

So although I'm at the moment having the weirdest urge to apologize for my whole bloody life, I'll resist it. It'll pass.

HANI will always be her arrogant, flippant, shocking, irritating self.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030815

Thursday, August 14, 2003

03:34 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

New Problems Finally!

I've conquered my slight problem of running away whenever I'm scared of my schoolwork. So I actually have a chance of not failing my subjects.

So now, life likes to throw bigger challenges! At least it all seems to surround Marketing Research. Let's tell the story from the beginning.

Group forms: smart leader, dumb labour, creative assistant (me)

It began quite ordinarily. I met a girl who seemed smart, hard-working and eager to do well. She seemed to be the ideal groupmate, and we're sure to score high marks with a groupmate like her. So we ganged up. Picked up another hard worker, who I knew to be lacking in intelligence, but I figured it would be okay, since we already have two brains in the group, and we could use a beast of burden.

The smart, brilliant girl immediately turned into group leader. She had the contacts for our marketing research client, and she had a lot of ideas. Since I'm easy-going (and lazy), I didn't mind just following along with what she wanted. I trusted her to take care of us.

Smart leader leaves group

Then, out of no where, the girl has to change tutorials!

You can't have groupmates from different tutorials. All groupmates must belong to one tutorial. So I was stuck with the single brainless donkey, and no client, since the contacts was with the girl who abandoned us.

Creative assistant creates project out of ass

So I thought up of a project of my own. I figured, I have plans to open a comic shop. Isn't this exactly the reason I'm attempting to get a degree in commerce for? Let's put this opportunity to more than just getting the grade!

So nervously, I suggested to my donkey groupmate that we conduct a pilot study on local comic buyers and readers. He's dumb. So he agreed. It didn't make me feel anymore confident about my idea, I tell you. I think I could probably convince him to do market research on men's dicks.

Shifty assistant joins dumb labour and creative leader

Got the teacher to assign us another groupmate. Unfortunately, when the teacher assigns you a groupmate, it's like random sampling, and you never know what you're going to get. So I got the groupmate who suggests we just submit his friends' work as our own.

Luckily, when I refused, he was cool with it, which is why I'm not reporting him to anyone. Especially, since nothing was actually done.

So he seems intelligent, but he's just so... shifty.

Somehow, I find myself group leader, with a group whose opinions I don't really trust.

Panicking creative leader

So I'm nervous like hell. We're doing a project that when I announced to the class, made a huge buzz (since we don't have a client, like everybody else, and we're doing "frivolous" comics). I'm leading it, and half the time, I don't trust my own judgment, and I trust neither of my groupmates to make sure we do okay.

My shoulders and upper back have been aching for days already. I'm getting ulcers. Two on the lower lip, one on the side, and several on the tongue. More to come, I'm sure.

Does anyone realize that if anything goes wrong, it'll be all my fault?

I am so damned grateful that I've learnt to channel my fear into productivity. Just a semester ago, I'd have been diving for my bed....

So wish me luck. Should anyone want to offer help and support for my comic shop marketing research, please do. I need help! My groupmates will drive me nuts!

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030814

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

11:01 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Bad Bunny Back

I told my groupmates that I would show them the proposal tomorrow morning.

Unfortunately, it's not done yet.

And instead of doing it, I've been doing everything under the sun but my marketing research proposal.

I sort of have a very rough idea of what I want to write.

It's just the polished version that's not completed.

The rough idea is very rough, mind you.

I should work on my Marketing Research proposal.

Ooh, look, why don't we just go to bed early, hmm?

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030813