Monday, November 3, 2003

11:40 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

One Iftar on Gum

We were trying to get home after school. We were on a completely packed M101 bus, so we had to stand, while lugging heavy school bags and melting in winter coats in a fully heated bus. Don't forget that we were fasting.

Of course Third Avenue had to get congested, and we got stuck thirty blocks away from home. Adik was being snappy and annoying as usual. She was such a smirky, nagging little sister.

The sun got lower and lower, while the bus moved nowhere. Then my little Baby-G chimed off the minute of Maghrib and Adik and I stared at each other in a moment of panic.

We were stuck on a bus with no food.

Adik dug through her bag. For once I was so glad that she treats her bag like a trashcan. She managed to dig up some gum. So we chewed the minty gum until we reached home half an hour later. I was very happy to spit the damned thing out so I could gulp in some water.

But I've always been fond of that memory, where two sisters worked together. Me and my alarm watch, and Adik and her trashcan bag. There are moments when I don't feel like strangling her and ordering her to go far, far away.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20031103

Sunday, November 2, 2003

03:17 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Fasting without Sahur

Unfortunately, when Mom woke me up for sahur, I told her that I had already eaten and drank water, and went straight back to sleep.

Except that I had not.

I'm just super brillant when sleepy, I am.

Luckily, I'm experienced in deliberate self-starvation, so I'm not badly off. I just stayed in bed most of the day, and so far I'm going good. I just can't think very well, which is rather detrimental to my take-home final exam....

Well, here's hoping that I can work really fast tonight. I guess it'll be another all-nighter. Hey, I won't miss sahur tomorrow morning.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20031102

Saturday, November 1, 2003

02:57 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Speculation on Failure

However, I think my last assignment will not save my Marketing Research subject. I think I'll fail. Let's hope not, but the final didn't go well.

Just to be on the safe side, I already enrolled for Marketing Research again next semester. I can always withdraw from it if I do pass. It makes me very unhappy to fail Marketing Research, because I hated the research project, and now I'm going to have to do another one again.

I'm taking four subjects next semester. I figure if I'm only failing one subject each semester, taking four subjects means that I'll pass three. Here's hoping.

Anyway, excuse me while I go and do my Consumer Behaviour take-home exam. I was aiming for a high distinction with this subject, but I've decided I'm just too tired, and we'll settle for a credit and hope for a distinction (as opposed to a high distinction).

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20031101

Thursday, October 30, 2003

07:55 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Bags me a Bag!

Check the bags out. Please note that it's all handmade in Malaysia.

I am seriously looking forward to buying a new Flowerdrum bag after my exams!

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20031030a

Thursday, October 30, 2003

02:28 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Exam Conducted at Home

Well, okay, I'm exaggerating. One shouldn't exaggerate in Ramadhan.

It's still tough and difficult however. Plus, it's due on Monday.

I'm supposed to write an essay complete with references from journal articles, while the college, and more importantly, the library, is closed for the weekend. It's a damned good thing I'm brilliant.

Never mind the lack of modesty. I'll be good and modest and what-not after I'm done swearing at the sadist who wrote the take-home exam.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20031030

Wednesday, October 29, 2003

08:59 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Failing Patience

Can't it just be bloody over already?

I feel so tired. And bored.

I'm working on my Marketing Research project right now, and it's boring.

I'm whining.

And being very negative.

Fifty ringgit worth of motivational talk going down the drain?

Whatever. Excuse me. Gotta go get the stupid boring Marketing Research project done. I seriously deserve to go shopping for the amount of patience I had to dig for.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20031029

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

07:36 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Improving the Fight

We haven't had a huge big fight since the first year he was in London. This fight wasn't as big as that one, but I'd say it's the biggest this year.

The annoying part about fighting with him is that he likes to beat himself up. I only need to cut him up once, and he'll finish himself up for me. It's behaviour that solves nothing and gets in the way of getting our differences reconciled.

I have to say that this time around, it wasn't as bad as it used to be. Now, he really tries to control his impulse to beat himself up and focus on getting the fight straightened out and fixed.

I'm proud of my boy. It's not easy to change one's mental attitude, but he's really making the effort. I don't think I'm succeeding as well in my endeavour to control my tongue while I'm upset. He's a good man, and I adore him.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20031028

Monday, October 27, 2003

11:17 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Be Good for Ramadhan

I've decided that for Ramadhan, this year, my blog's mainpage will be relatively safe for fasting Muslims to visit. My picture has been removed, and no other picture of people will be displayed for the month. There will be no discussion of topics inappropriate to the month of Ramadhan.

That means I will be editing my comments. I ask HANIfans to refrain from inciting inappropriate mental imagery for those who read my blog while fasting. Thank you.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20031027a

Monday, October 27, 2003

01:55 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

On the Other Side of Marriage

I was caught completely off-guard. I hadn't expected that he would do that. Had I known he had such intentions, I'd have given him more instructions than, "Say hi to your mother for me!"

He doesn't seem to have bungled it too badly, despite having done it without instructions. It could have been done better, I suppose, but everything can always be done better with hindsight.

She gave the logical requirements that he should be able to support me and that I should be able to take care of him the way a wife should. I wish Tariq would have pointed out to her that I would like her guidance and input in caring for Tariq, but of course it doesn't occur to Tariq that I need defending. Sigh.

Yet I can't help thinking there's more to her opposition than what she said. No mother's going to tell her son (especially one that can be as oblivious as Tariq) if she feels threatened by his girlfriend, is she? And who knows if there are other reasons? She's not the type to lay all her cards on the table.

If people would only be straight-forward with me, my life would be a lot easier.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20031027

Saturday, October 25, 2003

08:29 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Just to myself

Especially since I got used to the all-nighter, last-minute adrenaline-pumping assignment work of the past two weeks.

Studying is just this constant, slow-going absorption of facts, on a subject that I can't seem to simply like. I keep wincing and getting those stupid old negative thoughts triggered by the content of the text.

So I'm taking a moment now to be positive to myself. First, I'm going to tell myself that I'm smart and I can do what I put my mind to do. I will tell myself that only my own opinion matters, and my opinion is that I must do the best I can.

I will do my best, and then I will be satisfied with myself. I will then feel pride and what I have accomplished, and I will feel more confident for the next semester. I will have begun to practice the skills I need for the four subjects I'll be taking next semester. I will have improved myself and I will be a better and more productive person. I will respect myself better.

This self-motivating talk has been brought to myself by the letters B and Y, and the number 1. Yay!

Sigh. Back to the damned textbook.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20031025a

Saturday, October 25, 2003

02:05 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

I won't be fasting

I remember once when I had my period at the beginning at the end of Ramadhan, I ended up with fifteen days that needed to be replaced.

That's fifty per cent of the month! Completely irritating and ridiculous.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20031025

Thursday, October 23, 2003

10:14 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Switching Goats

I'm a Capricorn, and all my life, I had never been a steady and sure mountain-climber. I was a lazy bum without any goals that lasted five months. To my point of view, I was as far as possible from the traditional Capricorn.

Then I read a book that said a little more about Capricorns. Sure, Capricorns climb up mountains, surely and steadily, but only when they have found their goal. Most young Capricorns, who have yet to find their goals and dreams, tend to be listless, lazy bums that turn workaholic overnight when they have objectives in sight.

The book also said that there were actually two types of Capricorns. The positive side of the coin are the mountain goats who climb up to achieve their dreams, steadily and surely. The negative side of the coin are nanny and billy goats who are pegged to the ground, going round and round and round, never actually getting anywhere.

For years, I've been the nanny goat. I've been running round and round without a goal I believe in, without a dream I want down to my bones. Then I found my goals and dreams, but I was still running around as a nanny goat, because I didn't know how to get rid of the tether that held me back. My negative self-image, my ignorance, and my arrogance were ropes that tied me to my peg so tightly, I couldn't even see the way out.

Now I feel like I'm a nanny goat who has just learnt to untie a few of those ropes that pegged me down. I can feel my opportunity to turn into a mountain goat nearing. Maybe I'm even now at the bottom of my mountain, and I've already taken the first few steps towards my dreams.

I feel excited and full of hope. I must remember however, not to fall into despair if I fall. Only the mountain matters. I must climb it, no matter how often I fall. That's the secret to being a mountain goat.

It's not that mountain goats don't fall. It's that they refuse to stop climbing the mountain no matter how difficult or scary it gets. I can smell the fresh air now. I can smell the freedom of being on the mountain.

I refuse to return to the limitations of being a nanny goat, no matter how safe and comforting it feels. In the end, nanny goats get slaughtered, while mountain goats roam free.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20031023a